


After The Raven Has Had Its Say

by grandpajumpersandeyelashes



Series: If The Stars Align (working title, subject to change) [2]
Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: AU, AU: What if Rick lived but Kieren was still PDS, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, References to Canon, References to Drug Use, References to Drugs, References to PTSD, references to past suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-28
Updated: 2015-01-25
Packaged: 2018-02-27 07:07:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 34,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2683817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grandpajumpersandeyelashes/pseuds/grandpajumpersandeyelashes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the rising, Kieren and Rick are living two very different lives. Well, one of them at least is living. Rick's surviving the IED blast that should have left him dead has left him dealing with the reality that his leaving Kieren was ultimately why he had killed himself. After both have lived (at least partially) apart for a time, they reunite in Roarton, and Rick can only hope that this time he does right by Kieren.</p>
<p>Title borrowed from Hozier's song "In A Week"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Where Am I?

“Hello? Hello? Please, someone!” Kieren called out, feeling that he was restrained by something when he tried to move his arms. A whimper escaped his lips as it felt like the darkness swallowed him whole. This must be what hell was like. Bill Macy had certainly told him enough times that he was heading there.

Footsteps. He didn’t know how long he had been staring into the darkness when he heard the first sign of hope since waking up. “Hello? Please. Please help me!” he cried out.

The lights suddenly turned on in the room, revealing an all white, sterile looking room, with his hands and legs secured by metal straps. He flinched away from the sudden influx of light before he heard the footsteps come closer.

“Do you know your name?” The woman standing in front of him asked. She held a clipboard and a pen against her hip looking down on him. She was dressed smartly, a white doctor’s coat over her purple blouse and black dress pants.

“Kieren Walker.” he told her. “Where... Where am I?”

“Date of birth?” She asked, ignoring his question.

“Eighteenth of March, 1991.” Kieren replied, compliantly. “Please, just where am I, why are you asking me this?”

“Protocal. Date of death?” She continued her barrage of questions.

Kieren squinted at her. “Excuse me?”

“Do you know what day you died?” she asked as if it was a regular occurrence for her to be speaking with someone who had died, chained to a table.

“Um.” Kieren thought for a moment. “Thirtieth November, 2009, I think it was.”

“Cause?”

Kieren sighed, pressing his lips together. “Suicide.”

\---

“Where am I?” he tried to ask, but couldn’t speak, his words choked down by something in his throat.

A machine beeped next to him with the increased hammering of his heart. He wanted to get up, find a way to escape, but every inch of him felt stiff, immobilized by whatever it was that had brought him here. Suddenly the light came on as a group of people in scrubs rushed into the room.

“Oh thank god.” he heard one of them whisper as hands were suddenly all around him, touching him, checking this and that. “Rick, you’re in the hospital, please try to relax. We are here to help.”

He breathed forcefully out of his nose, fear rising in his chest despite her words. Hospital? What was he doing there? He was supposed to be in Afghanistan. Where was Cains? Cains was fine, wasn’t he? Why was he in a hospital?

“Rick, I need you to nod yes or no for me, do you want the breathing tube removed so you can speak? You shouldn’t need it anymore, and if it’s uncomfortable we can take it out. Do you want it out?”

Rick nodded his head. He followed the instructions, coughing in discomfort as his gag reflex activated with it’s removal. He tried to speak, though only small breathy noises came out.

“Rick, you were in a coma. Don’t worry about talking right now, ok? We’re going to do our best to make you better, ok?”

Rick nodded.

\---

In the following few days, Kieren pieced together what exactly had happened. Something called The Rising, happened around the world, and suddenly the dead rose, alive again. He felt bitter at the irony that someone who wanted nothing more than to leave the earth would come back as some less than living thing.

He was at a place they called a treatment center, somewhere that hundreds, maybe thousands of other people, if you could call them that, like him lived. They had routine schedules to follow once they returned to sentience, including the methodical playing of some kind of jingle at the time they were to receive their medication.

If Kieren had a choice, he would have spent most of his time in the small room that he shared with his roommate, Alex, but they were kept busy. It’s not like they even had meal times, it was more a way for them to keep track of them easily. They mingled, uneasily, most of the afternoon in the common area, perhaps more of a lobby. They had group therapy sessions at least once a day, and every three days would sit down one on one with a counselor or doctor to check on each individual outside of the group setting.

Kieren’s unrest only grew worse as days went on, so many unfamiliar faces being a major stress to him considering what he had woken up to discover. Much to his dismay, death didn’t seem to cure his anxious tendencies. He started trailing Alex most of the time, listening to his conspiracy theories rather than being completely alone with his thoughts in the crowded room. He didn’t particularly enjoy his company, he was a bit too loud, a bit too brash, and far too outspoken and sometimes even rude to other people there, but Kieren chose to hide behind him. It was easier that way.

It wasn’t until his fifth night awake that he started to wonder how he could die again. Alex was a conspiracy theorist in his own right, and had told him that not everyone had risen, that only the people who had died before they were supposed to did. Kieren feared that Rick had died, and that he had stayed dead because Rick Macy deserved nothing more than an escape from his father, and maybe death was the only way. Maybe it was some sort of deity’s way of apologizing, by letting Rick stay dead. Wouldn’t Rick be there if he had risen like the rest?

\---

Rick couldn’t remember the last time his father had looked so happy. After he had woken up, gone through some preliminary tests, and deemed healthy enough for a guest, his parents were in the room. Bill was beaming, telling him how much of a hero he was, how proud he was. Rick couldn’t remember his father ever explicitly telling him how proud he was. Janet only sobbed tears of joy into his shoulder.

Rick may have smiled and nodded along, but he found it hard to find pride in what he had done. He hadn’t done anything special while he was there, just his job. Sure, there was a medal for valor pinned somewhere on his jacket if any of it was left, for retrieving Knight and Shephard under heavy fire so they could receive medical care, but it wasn’t like he had done anything to stop any of the insurgents. He hadn’t picked up an impressive kill list like some of his fellow soldiers had. In fact, he wasn’t sue he had a single confirmed kill, but he was almost certain he wouldn’t be able to live with himself had he succeeded in actually ending another human’s life.

After the initial few hours of joyful celebrations with his parents, they fell into small talk, slowly catching Rick up to what he had missed in the months he had been out. He listened attentively as his mom told him about what some of his old mates had been up to, most of them in uni. She told him that Tommy had been in to visit a few times, but hadn’t wanted to intrude. He asked her if she would send him over some time, considering the lengthy stay he probably had left in the hospital.

At some point when Rick was speaking with his mother, Bill had excused himself to step out for a cigarette. Janet’s eyes watered up again as she stroked her son’s face, cherishing the miracle that he had pulled through all the damage that had been done. She knew he had a hard road to recovery in front of him, but drew solace in the fact that he was finally awake.

“Mum?” Rick asked quietly, used to keeping their conversations private. “What about Ren? Off to art school, yeah? Anything come out of that you know of?”

“Offed himself, the coward.” Bill said gruffly re-entering the room. Then, as if he hadn’t dropped a bomb on Rick, he continued, “Guard tried to get me to get off the hospital grounds to have a fag, can you believe the audacity?”

Rick’s heart ached as nausea suddenly rose up in his throat. Janet’s jaw quivered as she watched him turn pale as a ghost before emptying the contents of his stomach over the side of his bed. The heart monitor they still had hooked to him skyrocketed as nurses rushed in, ushering both of his parents out of the room.

The nurse who took them out, Xander, spoke calmly as he asked what was happening. “Was there something that may have triggered him to react like this? It can be overwhelming for some patients returning to a comatose state to hear anything too emotionally driven. Bad news, maybe?” he asked.

Bill shrugged, though this one time, Janet defied his silence. He wasn’t going to do anything to again risk the life of her handsome man. 

“He just found out his old best mate committed suicide when he reacted like that.” she spoke softly.

“They weren’t mates.” Bill argued defiantly. No matter what happened, he would never admit that. “They knew each other from school. Hadn’t even spoken since they were 14. You can’t think that’d upset him.”

“Well, Mr. and Mrs. Macy, I can’t tell you for sure what may have triggered this, we’re going to have to run a few tests to ensure it wasn’t something internal we may have missed, but it’s likely it was triggered by something. It’s also possible your son is suffering from PTSD.” the nurse informed them. “For now, perhaps leaving heavier news about any deaths would be best. He’s in a fragile state trying to readjust, he has enough physical and mental things to adapt to on top of all the information about what has happened while he was out. He paused. “Additional stress will only add to his time here. I have to ask you to not mention anything to do with the rising.”

\---

Kieren trudged to his appointment. He was meeting with Keith, one of his counselors who also lead his group sessions. He hesitated for a second before knocking on the door, having heard voices. He didn’t want to disrupt if Keith was with someone, but he didn’t want to know what would happen if he was late for a scheduled appointment.

“Come in!” Keith’s familiar voice called out. “How are you doing, Kieren?” he asked once the blonde entered the room.

Kieren only shrugged, a look in his eyes that begged the question, _could anyone actually answer good to that while in here? ___His tendencies to remain quiet most of the time seemed to carry over into his second life, or undeath, whatever. Scanning the room, his eyes locked for a moment with an unfamiliar man sat behind Keith.

The other man smiled softly. “I’m Simon, one of the give back scheme workers here. I’ve been right where you are, just here to help Keith help others.” he said, clearly rehearsed, though not so clearly with his thick Irish accent. Kieren nodded a greeting. “If it’s alright with you, I’ll be in here at least a bit with you and Keith, then part of the group as well.” Again, Kieren nodded. 

Keith, deciding that the consent was acceptable, continued the session as usual. “Kieren, I know last week, we brushed a bit on the topic of your death. I can read your record and know exactly what happened, but I’d prefer to hear it from you.” he suggested. 

Kieren glanced down, unable to look up. He offered up his forearms, shoving his sleeves up so they could see the gashes left on each wrist. He was startled when it wasn’t Keith who first spoke up. 

“We all have our scars.” Simon told him, revealing a galaxy of track marks scattered on his own forearm. 

“What did you take?” Kieren asked softly. 

"A through Z of the periodic table.” Simon shrugged, replacing the sleeve of the jumper he wore. 

Simon continued his story after Keith excused himself momentarily from the room to assist with a newly aware PDS sufferer. The two talked more than Keith had ever gotten Kieren to speak with him. Keith knew when he returned to his room that Simon and other PDS sufferers returning would make a difference in the center when he finally heard Kieren’s cause of death, and trigger to his suicide. 

“I killed myself." Kieren finally admitted out loud. "I killed myself because my best mate left without even saying goodbye. Didn’t even tell me he was joining the army. I couldn’t... I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t want to live without him.” Kieren paused, “I don’t know if I do now even.” 


	2. Stand Up If You're Broken

Kieren found himself opening up more to Simon. Keith had arranged for him to be there for every group session Kieren was involved in on days that he was there. Still, there were things he didn’t tell Simon, mostly because he was probably a mandated reporter. He didn’t want it out that he wasn’t straight, unsure how that would be accepted, having had grown up in Roarton.

Only one person in Norfolk knew that he was the way he was, and that was his roommate Alex. After he had casually brought up his sister and her girlfriend, Kieren felt as if he could open up. Alex had just shrugged, indifferent towards his roommate’s sexuality.

After a long session with one of the doctors, Kieren had a hard time keeping them all straight, he needed to talk to someone. Sure, he and Alex hadn’t gotten along fabulously, but he was the only person Kieren felt he could approach to talk about why he had died.

“Alex,” Kieren began, breaking the usual silence. “Do you ever wonder if how we died has anything to do with why we came back?”

“I don’t think it’s how, but when. I mean, we’ve got people who’ve died from everything except the plague here, but most of us are young. Couldn’t it be about dying before our time?” he asked. “And everyone died in 2009. Don’t know if everyone from then rose though.” he shrugged.

Kieren nodded. “How... How did you.. You know?” he asked, curiously.

“Drowned.” he shrugged. “What about you?”

“You know that guy I told you about?” Kieren asked, receiving a nod in response. “He left to join the army, and I don’t know, it was too much for me I guess. I thought it was my fault that he was going to die in Afghanistan.”

“Did he?”

“I don’t know.”

\---

Physical therapy was brutal, especially the first few days. It was incredible how easy Rick forgot that he no longer had a left leg, and that his right was slightly mangled from the IED. At least he had been a bit back from it when it detonated, else he wouldn’t have either, or his life, for that matter.

The prosthetic felt strange, and despite the the walker that he grasped for dear life and the therapist behind him, he still stumbled over it, nearly falling on several occasions. Sometimes all he could do was shake his head in anger, maneuvering to sit down to rest. Despite the words of encouragement from his doctors after his few stumbling steps, he still felt like a failure.

“I can’t do it.” he shook his head, looking down. “I just... I can’t do it.” he said, exasperated, motioning towards the prosthetic leg that was making his job much harder.

“Oi, what’s that nonsense about can’t?” a familiar voice called out. Rick turned, seeing Cains striding towards him. “Didn’t know that word was in your vocabulary, Macy.” he half taunted, a playful grin on his face.

Rick scoffed, falling back easily to a playful fight with his best friend from combat. “You try getting one of these damn things.” He lifted his leg as much as he could to display it to him.

“Got one of ‘em already, mate. Just got a head start on you, per usual.” Rick scrunched his face at his friend’s teasing. “Speaking of, how was the nap, sleeping beauty?” he raised a brow, giving him a playful smirk.

“You know, if you weren’t such a coward you’d be over here so I could fight you like a man.” Rick laughed, jokingly putting up fists like a boxer towards Cains.

Cains only laughed. “You get yourself over here I’ll let you land a free one before I put you back in another coma.” He scoffed as Rick began to move himself towards him still seated, taking advantage of the wheels to help his movement. “Stand up or the deal’s off.” Cains challenged.

Rick glanced sideways towards the doctor who was leading his exercises today. She gave a nod, placing a hand on his elbow to help him rise before he started at a slow pace towards Cains who stood, a hand on his hip, pretending to be concerned by how long it was taking, sighing dramatically as Rick paused. A joking grin split his face for just a moment before he regained his composure.

“You’re a real arsehole, you know that?” Rick asked when he got there.

Cains smiled. “‘Course I am, that’s my job. Now,” he turned his head, “Go for this side, the other one’s the only shot I’ve got left with the ladies, or you, ‘course.” he joked, only loud enough for the two of them to hear. He was pointing to his cheek which had scars, some similar to the ones Rick had from shrapnel.

“I really hate you, James.” Rick laughed before engulfing him in a hug, not caring that he practically stumbled into him and could have taken them both down.

\---

“It’s not something you have to join at all, that’s for sure, but it is an option that sometimes helps once you’re out of here.” Simon told the small gathering of PDS sufferers he had gained as followers during his time there in a position of authority.

He had been talking about groups that had formed as support for people like them, “the redeemed” he had called them, whatever that meant. Kieren had only been standing towards the edge of the group because he thought he recognized a familiar face when he had started to walk past it. He was in fact correct, but before he could approach her, he was pulled slightly aside by Simon.

“So, you think that you’ll be joining a group once you’re out of here? It may be good for you, given past tendencies.” he suggested. “‘Sides, not everyone out there is exactly fond of us going back to their communities, being in something like the ULA helps remind you you’ve got a family to fall back on. And we rally for PDS rights, resisting the stuff that they try to make us do if we don’t want to.”

Kieren’s face scrunched. “You can keep your resisting to yourself, I think.” he told him, slowly backing off. Simon gave him a nod before walking away.

Kieren finally looked past where Simon had been, seeing the girl he thought he had recognized. It was hard, Kieren realized, to imagine someone you knew white eyed with grayish white skin in order to recognize them, especially from a distance, so he slowly worked his way towards her.

“Hey, I know you!” the familiar voice said, suddenly shooting up from where she sat cross legged on the ground. Her arms were suddenly thrown around his neck, hugging him.

“Hi, Amy.” he replied, uneasy about hugging her back. Didn’t she remember what they had done together? Not the summer as kids, but from the flashbacks he got. They had killed together. Hunted innocent people. Didn’t she have any remorse?

His questions were answered when she frowned at him. “Aren’t you happy to see me again, handsome? It’s been too long, Kieren Walker! Gran wasn’t feeling the best so I didn’t get to visit her often or stay with her to see your handsome face!”

“Yeah, it has been a bit, hasn’t it?” he asked uneasily. He didn’t want to haunt her with the nightmares he had been having if she had the blessing of not remembering. “So, how’ve you been?”

“Dead, mostly, you know, but I do have to say, wedding’s off.”

“Wedding?” Kieren asked, cocking his head as his once friend.

“Ours, dum-dum!” she told him incredulously.

“Oh.” He replied, slightly confused. “Oh?” he finally asked, curious as to what she meant.

“I’m betrothed to another.” She smiled proudly. Kieren looked around, trying to figure out who she could mean, assuming it was someone else from the treatment center. “You were just talking to him.” she whispered, a smile on his face. “Do you like him? Say you like him! He’s my future husband, so you have to like him! I demand you like him!” she told him excitedly.

“He’s alright.” Kieren gave her a smile to try to convince her he meant it. “I’ve got to go talk to him, my group session starts in a bit.” he told her.

She smiled before waving him off, pleased with his answer before turning again towards the others she had been sitting with. Kieren shrugged it off, smiling a bit at her antics, glad for a somewhat familiar face in the large facility. He reached the group, taking his usual seat.

He stayed quiet, per usual, until Keith asked him how he was doing with the side effects. He didn’t like to speak, to draw attention to himself, but he did speak up this time. He thought maybe, just maybe, he could avoid his release on Sunday if he talked about how bad his flashbacks still were, how crippling the guilt he felt was. Surely, he wasn’t ready to face the town he helped destroy.

At the end of his story though, it was Alex who spoke up. “Mate, if you hadn’t’ve fed on her, you’d have rotted away yourself. You shouldn’t feel guilty.” he practically scoffed. Alex had subscribed to the thought that what they had done was necessary, forgivable.

“Alex...” Keith said in a warning tone. It wasn’t the first time he had gone off on that tangent.

“They killed us too during the Rising. Blowing our heads off without a second thought. But oh, oh, that’s “defending humanity” so that’s okay. That’s not murder, that’s being a hero.” Alex rolled his eyes. “While they get medals, we get medicated.”

“Without medication we’d go back to being rabid.” Hannah, one of the other members of the group pointed out.

Alex looked at her pointedly. “Maybe that’s a better state to be in.” he pointed out.

“God, you’re such an idiot, Alex.” she shook her head.

“I'm the idiot? I ain't the one who took acid four years ago and thought she could...” he cleared his throat, raising it to a cartoony pitch, “Fly way up to the sky!” He cawed like a raven as Keith scolded him. “Come on then, it’s bull shit, how can we be expected to take all this shit medication, stopping us from being who we really are because of what we did, but they get rewarded for it, patted on the bloody back? How’s that right?” he demanded.

“Come on, mate, you’re overreacting.” Kieren tried to settle him down.

“Overreacting?” Alex scoffed, “The one who offed himself after his little boyfriend shipped off to Afghanistan thinks that I’m overreacting?” he demanded, suddenly in Kieren’s face.

Kieren bit his tongue, though he could register no pain to stop himself as Simon cocked an eyebrow at him, as if challenging him to stand up for himself. “Yeah, I do think you’re overreacting.” he told him, arms crossed.

“Don’t think I’m going to listen to the drama queen queer.” Alex told him, nearly brushing his nose against Kieren’s as he got right up in his face. In a flash, Alex stumbled back after Kieren shoved him back. “Fucking Walker!” he yelled, suddenly ready to charge at Kieren.

Something stopped him, however, and it wasn’t the guard that was there with a stunner at the ready. Simon was holding him in a choke grip, stopping him from being able to attack Kieren who locked eyes with the guard as he slowly backed out of the room, off to his own bedroom, not caring that he was still supposed to be out there.

Kieren sat alone for a bit before he heard a soft knocking on the door. He was sure that it would be Alex, so he didn’t make a move to let him in. There weren’t locks anyways, and he could get in there himself. However, when the door slowly opened, it was Simon, not Alex who stood in the doorway.

“Alright if I?” Simon asked softly, still hovering in the doorway. Kieren only shrugged. “Bit tense out there.” he said dumbly, sitting next to the distressed boy on the bed. When Kieren didn’t respond, he frowned, concerned. “He told Keith and I what happened with Bill Macy... What happened with Rick Macy...” 

Kieren glanced up for a half second, trying to gauge the other’s thoughts on it before he again hung his head, familiar shame in his gut for the emotions he felt towards Rick. “There’s nothing left for me out there.” He admitted, staring at the floor.

“There’s your family. There’s Amy.” he gave a slight pause, reaching his hand towards Kieren’s lap, meeting Kieren’s hand where it rested on his knee. That drew Kieren’s eyes immediately to his. “There’s me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title for this chapter was actually stolen from a Fireflight song "Stand Up" (long story short my brother used to like them and for some reason this song immediately came to mind) (get it, they both had to stand up... And I mean, it's safe to say they're both broken... It's probably not a good title if I have to explain it...). Also there will be interaction between Rick and Kieren soon, no worries (one of the next two chapters, likely). For now though, I hope you all enjoy it! What are you all thinking so far? Thanks as always for the read!


	3. One More Night

It had been three weeks since Rick had been sent home to Roarton. He had directions to go to the city once a week for physical therapy, but otherwise he was fine. He was still hobbled a bit from the new prosthetic, but with the crutch that the doctor gave him, he was able to do more walking than he thought he ever would have been.

He never thought he would be so excited to see the old village as the first time he caught a glimpse of it on the way home from the hospital. After such a long stay in the sterile environment, Rick felt like he needed air. Being away from it seemed like just the breath of fresh air he needed.

That air was ripped from his lungs as soon as they drove past the Walker house. Jem, sweet little Jem, was standing outside, taking a drag of the cigarette between her teeth before a swig of the cider that she clutched in the other. Bill had waved to her, a gesture she returned without much emotion. The emotion was let out when the car moved a bit more and Rick became visible to her in the back seat.

Her eyes suddenly squinted in a look of pure hatred as she threw the rest of the cigarette on the ground and stomped it out angrily. She stormed into the house, slamming the door behind her. Rick flinched, knowing that her hatred must have been towards her. Kieren must have killed himself after he was gone, and now there was nothing he could do about it, other than wish he could trade places with Kieren to give Jem her brother back.

“So, dad, how has Jem been?” Rick asked dumbly as the rest of their slow drive back passed by.

Bill let out a laugh, “Now that is a ball of fire, that girl. Tell you what, Rick, she’s a better shot than you ever were, that’s for sure.” he chuckled, looking in his son’s eyes through the rearview mirror.

Rick stopped to think a moment. “Better shot? Why is Jem Walker shooting with you?” he asked dumbly.

Bill cleared his throat, suddenly uncomfortable, remembering that the rising was a no-go for discussion with Rick. They hadn’t yet talked to the doctors about when it would be good to tell him, but for now, Bill kept his silence. “While’s back she was thinking of joining up like you did, I told her she couldn’t go into the army without being a good shot, so I took her under my wing. Natural at it, that girl.” he lied. “Don’t think she’s going to anymore, but she could give any of you boys a run for your money.”

“Oh.” Rick replied, falling silent again.

They got back to the house, a small gathering of people standing out front. Rick eyed the crutches next to him, he still was more comfortable with walking with them, but he couldn’t bring himself to use them, not in front of other people. His father had been trying to hint that it wasn’t necessary for him to even take them home anyways. When his dad stopped the car, he pushed them aside, shoving his way out of the car. He only stumbled a bit, grabbing on to the car for support, pretending that he was using it to get a better vantage point to wave to everyone around him.

He tried to walk as normally as possible, catching himself trying to hold what was left of his upper thigh as he walked from person to person. He eventually was able to excuse himself to go inside to try to forget about the horrors that this town held.

\---

Kieren had managed to mostly make up with Alex after the screaming match they had began the previous night. Kieren didn’t know how he found it in him to even speak to him after that, but he did. It wasn’t much, but they were on speaking terms by the next morning, though Kieren tailed him less the next day.

Kieren mostly spent the day sitting in the corner, staring out the only window in the place that was at eye level rather than above. He stared through it, his view obscured by the bars that were there to keep them from breaking out through them. He was used to a figurative cage, but being in an actual one felt different. If anything, it felt comforting. Here, he was forced to belong, he was like everyone else. No one cared how different he was here. He blended in, something he could never achieve in Roarton.

He tried to convince his doctors that he wasn’t ready, reminding them whenever he could that he was still having horrible flashbacks. The vividness of them struck him, though he could never really make out the faces of the people who he, in his untreated state, killed. Everything else was so real that he could almost feel the brains slide down his throat, the feeling of the matter between his fingers, and see all the blood. God, there was so much blood.

They had assigned him solo session the last five days he was scheduled to be there in hopes of ensuring that he was independent, or so they said. In reality, he was sure that Simon was just sick of him. Everyone reached that state at some point, it seemed.

Negotiation with his doctors seemed to be his only hope. He earnestly told Dr. Shepherd that he didn’t feel ready after his Neurotriptyline induced flashback and accompanying seizure one day, but the doctor was still convinced that he was fine to continue. The last thing Kieren felt was fine. If feeling was a sign that he should be released, he should have been released the first day he was sentient. Like most of his life, his first feeling was guilt. Not much had changed.

There was one day left of his stay in the treatment centre before his parents were to pick him up. It wasn’t really a full day there, they would steal away late at night to go to a better center so that those who were picking up the PDS sufferers, as they had been coined, would more easily see the good done by the treatment centre. Everyone who was in Kieren’s release group was on edge, scared for anything they might find out when the doors opened and their loved ones were supposed to be there.

Kieren was nervously pacing, an old habit he had picked up from Rick, when he spotted Simon who was following his movements with his eyes, a book propped up on his crossed leg, though it was obvious that the words on the page were not that held his attention. Upon being caught for watching, he shut the book and motioned for Kieren to come sit down. After slight hesitation, he obliged.

“It’s alright to be nervous, you know.” Simon assured him. “Just try not to wear a hole in the ground.” he smirked, trying to lift the other’s spirits.

Kieren bit his lip as the slightest hint of a smile tugged at his lips. “You sound like my mum. She yells at me and my little sister, Jem, all the time for pacing around the house.”

Simon kept looking at him intently, waiting for him to expand on the reason he was pacing. “What’s on your mind, Kieren?” he softly asked after Kieren made it clear he wasn’t going to speak without being prompted.

Kieren shrugged, “I never fit in in Roarton before, back when I was just a freak. Now, I’m a monster and a freak all in one. No one’s going to like that, there.” he told Simon who frowned the instant Kieren called himself a freak.

“First off, you are not a freak, Kieren, nor are you a monster. You’ve got to let go of your shame.” Simon insisted, putting a hand on Kieren’s shoulder. “And if you need to leave Roarton, I’ve got a place not far from the city, you can come stay whenever you need. Just give me a ring.” Simon told him, scrawling his number on a sheet of paper before giving it to Kieren for safekeeping.

The familiar sound of the medication song rang through suddenly, making the crowd all immediately rise as shuffle towards their respective lines. Simon excused himself, having had already received his treatment for the day, but Alex soon replaced him at Kieren’s side. Neither spoke a word, but the familiarity just felt natural to fall back on.

They neared the front of the line when Alex was suddenly dumping something on his hand before breathing it in. If Kieren didn’t know any better, he would have assumed that he was doing drugs, but he couldn’t be certain. Nothing really had an effect on them anyways, supposedly, so he didn’t see how he would manage to get high on cocaine, or whatever the strange substance might be.

It didn’t take long for Kieren to feel in his gut that something was fundamentally wrong with Alex. He wasn’t speaking at all, something that he would have appreciated more if he didn’t have the possible worry of what his roommate had taken hanging over his head. By the time that they were at the front, all Kieren could do was try to warn the nurses who simply brushed off his comment as another of the delusional PDS sufferers looking for attention.

What he saw next would have stopped his heart if the useless mass of muscle had been working properly. Instead, he could only look on as Alex spewed black bile, and try to defend him as suddenly everyone rushed in to stop him. As he was pushed out from his attempted entering of the room, he felt a sudden rush of concern for the other boy. The last thing he had caught a glimpse of was his body going limp to the sting of a security guard’s stun-gun.

Nurses filed out of other rooms to administer the drug to those who remained in line. After his dose, Kieren found himself pushing his way down to the main level, running from his problems as he had almost always opted to do in life. Though he hadn’t eaten for years, he felt that his last meal would come up as he tried to calm himself down from the anxiety that it had induced.

He couldn’t think of anything else to do, or anyone else to see. Amy had already been discharged, so there was one person he knew he could go to: Simon. He got to his door, suddenly knocking on it in desperation. He needed to talk, to be consoled. He needed Simon to tell him everything would be alright.

“Kieren?” Simon asked confused, as the other pushed past him into the room he had to himself. He found himself turning with the clearly distressed boy, following his movements.

Kieren opened his mouth to say something, but had a realization; he didn’t need words, he needed something else. He didn’t hesitate once the urge crossed his mind, if it had at all. He just suddenly crashed his lips to Simon’s in a crushing force that stunned the Irishman.

Simon stumbled back half a step, almost jumping in surprise before he was able to kiss him back. He met Kieren’s enthusiasm at first, but when he grabbed onto his face he transitioned the kiss to a slow one, trying to calm the obviously distressed boy.

Simon had the thought that it was probably inappropriate for him to be snogging one of the charges. At that moment, though, he did not care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took longer than usual to get up! Basketball season is in full swing now so I unfortunately will only be able to update over the weekend because I'm so busy. I will however try my best to do two chapters a weekend just so I don't keep all of you lovely people waiting on me too long!
> 
> Sorry, parts of this chapter felt clunky to me, and the title is kind of meh, but I needed that stuff to happen and yeah... The much anticipated return to Roarton is coming up next chapter, no worries! Thanks as always for reading and all your kind words both on here and on Tumblr. You guys are the best :)


	4. Three Days on a Drunken Sin

It felt strange, being back in his room. He had been so resigned to the fact that he was going to die in Afghanistan that he never really even thought of what the return would be like. He felt strange, a grown man, grown beyond his actual age, sitting in his boyhood room. Suddenly, everything felt too small. He figured he had never really belonged in Roarton, but now, the fit seemed even worse.

He looked around at everything in his room. It seemed strange to have his football things displayed anymore. He was missing his dominant foot so it only served as a reminder that he’d never be able to play again. It was strange, he had loved it when he was younger, but only stayed in it for his father. He still, however, felt a little sting when he realized that he wouldn’t be able to simply go out with friends and kick it around anymore. Most of his friends had left Roarton anyways. His best friend had left the planet entirely.

Rick took a deep breath, trying to find some composure after the thought of Kieren crossed his mind. He had been so good at hiding his emotions in the past, but the thought of Kieren taking his own life was too much for Rick to even imagine. He sat on the edge of his bed, hanging his head with his hands clasped behind his neck. He wished he still had his anchor that had gotten him through the long nights in the desert, but his personal effects had been all but destroyed in the blast, including the precious drawing Kieren had given him. It was really one of the last things he had to remind him of the boy he had loved so much.

His eyes traveled to the bikini clad woman his father had hung on his wall during the time he was afraid of his son turning gay, as if that was the worst thing he could be. Rick moved towards it, reaching up to the edge of it, gently pulling the corner away from the wall and catching the couple of sheets that feel when the tape was displaced.

In his hands he held the only pieces of Kieren he had left; a note from his last birthday and two sketches, one of Rick playing soccer, and one of the two of them, Rick’s arm around Kieren’s shoulder. It was the hand-drawn equivalent of the photograph that Rick had given of them when he was younger. He sighed heavily, tears pricking his eyes before he clutched them to his chest.

“Oi, Rick.” He was ripped from his thoughts as Bill opened the door. He shoved the papers underneath his pillow before looking up to see what he wanted. “Come down to the Legion with us, deserve a proper drink to welcome you home.” Bill told his son.

Rick hesitated for a moment, remembering the time Kieren got banned from the Legion. It had been after he was banned from the Macy house, a few days before Rick’s sixteenth birthday, when Kieren was full force getting into his punk phase. He had showed up, leather jacket and studs, a fake lip ring in place and a scowl on his face. Rick had been sitting with his family when the Walkers came in, going to a corner table to sit. They had made brief eye contact, a ghost of a smile on Rick’s face, and a warmness in Kieren’s eyes that would have been missed by anyone else.

There wasn’t much else that happened that night until later, when Gary came in, already pretty hammered. Rick didn’t know exactly what he had said to Philip who was there with his mum, but he was fairly certain it had something to do with his father. Kieren had stood up from the booth his family was at, walked calm and collectively to the bar where Gary stood, and punched him square in the jaw, knocking him into the bar, breaking off a chunk of it.

Bill looked questioningly at his son. “Well, you comin’?” he asked.

Rick cleared his throat, thrust from his thoughts. “Yeah, yeah, sure, let me get my coat.” he tried to flash a smile before standing. He pitched forward, hardly catching himself on his desk. He cursed under his breath as his father looked on, making no move to help him, more content to ignore that his perfect son had flaws suddenly. He could hardly accept his physical disability, Rick was terrified to know what he thought of his mental one.

Hardly a night had passed without nightmares waking him in a cold sweat. His doctor had recommended that they get a service dog or something of the sort to help him, but Bill had scoffed at the idea, claiming that his son was fine. To him the only scars Rick had covered his skin, they were all superficial. He never realized the worst were psychological.

Rick practically hopped down the stairs, using the rail for support as he came down to leave with his dad. Janet pursed her lips, her usually nervous demeanor only growing worse with time. She looked to her son who gave her a slow nod before she gripped her jacket tighter, heading for the door after him.

Rick walked towards the car, but was soon stopped by his father. “What’re you doing, Rick? Legion’s not far, not going to waste gas to go a few blocks over.” Bill told his son.

“Thought I saw something is all.” Rick lied, resigned to the fact that he would have to walk there and back.

He put his hands in his pockets and his head down as he trudged along, a bit behind his parents. When Bill asked why he was taking so long, Rick lied, telling him that he just wanted to see the old place. His mother had smiled, falling back into stride with him as she grabbed his arm, giving what little help she could to her grown son. She told him a few things about what had happened with some of the neighbors whose houses they past in the time between Rick’s leaving and his return to help sell their reasons for taking a while.

The Legion was full when they got there, it seemed like almost all of Roarton was there to welcome him back. Rick grinned at the group before finding his way to one of the few empty seats left. He sat, ordering a pint, before settling in for a night of listening to what a hero he was. Some hero, coming out of a coma after nearly a year and spending the better part of the last three years hospitalized because of an IED that he didn’t even step on. All he did was survive.

He was listening to Gary talk about something, what exactly he wasn’t sure anymore. He had lost track of how much he had drank, the alcohol somehow helping it all. The voices were quieter, and he felt less haunted by the ghosts of this village as he ran his finger along the piece of the bar that had been chipped those years ago.

The next day he returned to the Legion early and stayed late. The pints kept coming, Pearl declaring that veterans drink free. He wasn’t going to complain. Alcohol was now his escape.

When he was younger, he never understood why his father did it. He had vowed he wouldn’t be like him, he wouldn’t drink all day and turn into a cynical arsehole, but there he was, not even dinner time, and nearly off his ass. Pearl had told him that he should head home, that his parents would want him back in time for dinner and that he should sober up a bit. Rick didn’t care, he wanted to keep the buzz going, to keep the pain at bay.

He didn’t have much to worry about, a beer set out for him during dinner by his father. He picked at his food after his stumble home before sitting in front of the telly, yelling at the football players that were in front of him making all the wrong moves. He could have been better than them if it hadn’t have been for that blasted IED. He didn’t even like football, but he would have been.

His third day home he had nearly forgotten was his birthday. It was the reason the doctors had told him he could go home, so he could finally celebrate at home. It didn’t mean a whole lot to him, anymore, but it didn’t stop his parents, even his dad, from wishing him a happy birthday. He thanked them before excusing himself to sit in the barstool that he now frequented, making small talk with anyone who sat with him.

That day was different, however. He got to a point where the groove from the chunk of wood that had been knocked out by Kieren and Gary wasn’t enough of a reminder anymore. He needed to go see him, to pay his respects to him at his grave. He stood suddenly, leaving an almost empty pint and an empty seat behind when Pearl turned around hearing the door’s bell do off.

He favored his prosthetic leg as he made his way quickly to the graveyard. As he got closer and closer, however, he couldn’t help but slow down as nerves overwhelmed him. How did you go about talking to the headstone of your dead not quite boyfriend nearly three years after he killed himself because you left? What could he say to make it alright?

He walked past the vicar’s garden seeing the flowers he grew there. He stopped after the thought registered that the flower he had seen had been Kieren’s favorite. Or he thought they had been, he had painted them once in stunning detail in his sister’s hands. Rick back tracked, hoping that the vicar wouldn’t mind a few missing carnations.

He walked slowly from grave to grave. Burton, Dyer, Lonsdale... Walker.

It felt strange, hovering over the spot where Kieren laid. Not the Rick felt he was really there, it was whatever was left of his body, not the beautiful soul that had so much life in it. Still, he gently fell in the most graceful way he could manage to sit on the ground in front of his headstone. He grunted slightly with the effort of leaning forward to place the flower right in front of the stone.

“Hey, Ren.” he said quietly, suddenly laughing at the ridiculousness of talking to a headstone. He shook his head. “Would you look at me, Ren? Talking to a slab of granite that says your name and some shite that someone thought did you justice when nothing could make any bloody sense of you dying.” He shook his head again, eyes cast to the sky as he fought tears. “Shite, Ren, it’s all my fault, isn’t it?” he choked out before succumbing to sobs at the thought.

“Christ, Ren...” he repeated over and over when he had enough air in his lungs. After breathing heavily for a few moments until he could speak regularly again. “I shouldn’t have done it, Ren, I should’ve stayed here with you, we could have run off somewhere, you and me. Could’ve gone to that art school you got into, Paris, anywhere, Ren. You should’ve... Should’ve gone off without me, Ren. I know we promised, but damn it, Ren, you shouldn’t’ve done it.”

“Every night, Ren, I think of you every night, ‘til i get those bloody nightmares... You’re in there too, you know. I see you die every night, Ren, and it’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen. I don’t know how to live with myself anymore, Ren. I really don’t.” Hey wiped at his eyes. “You were the only thing keeping me in this blasted place, you know, Ren? I’ve got nothing here without you, nothing I can do either, not when I can’t do a damn thing anymore.”

“I love you, Ren, I love you so much.” Rick suddenly sobbed again. “Christ, Ren, I can’t stop thinking about you, you know? I can’t let go of what we...” Rick stopped, wiping his eyes as he glanced up, suddenly sensing a presence near him. 

He glanced up, looking at a wide-eyed Kieren, in one of his old oversized hoodies, skinny jeans that weren’t quite skinny enough to smoothly be put into the combat boots he had them tucked into anyways. Kieren’s face cracked into a smile after Rick stared at him for a few moments.

“Shite, Ren, now I’m seeing you when I’m awake...” Rick sobbed, looking back to the head stone, hoping that it would somehow make the painful illusion go away. He knew he was drunk, but he couldn’t be so bad that he was seeing things, could he be? “Christ, Ren, I need you, I can’t live without you. The world’s shit without you.”

He looked to Kieren, half expecting him to have disappeared. Instead this time he was closer, leaning down to wrap his arms around him. “It’s me, Rick... It’s me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Back together again! I couldn't keep them apart any longer than this. The next chapter should be coming next weekend, I'm sorry that they aren't coming as quick as they have been in the past, but I'm going to try my best to update twice a weekend. Thanks as always for reading! :)


	5. Here

“Re-” Rick couldn’t even spit out the rest of the short nickname as his breath caught in his throat. He tried to stand but struggled due to his refusal to let go of the most precious thing he had ever held. In one last effort, he ended up tugging Kieren’s slim frame down with him. Both of them looked at each other silently for a moment before bursting into a fit of laughter.

A grin stayed in place on Rick’s face as he kept looking at Kieren like he was the most beautiful sight he had ever laid his eyes in. It wasn’t far from the truth. There Kieren stood, not looking a day older than the last time they saw each other. He was only a few weeks older, technically, not that Rick knew that was the case.

Rick reached out, brushing a piece of Kieren’s hair back to where it was supposed to be. He shook his head, his perceived reality of the situation crashing down on him. “I’ve gone mad, haven’t I?” he asked. Kieren cocked his head, not sure why Rick thought that. “Still in the bloody coma, or something. Maybe I’m dead, just imagining all this.” he spoke to himself, still stroking Kieren’s hair.

“Why would you think that, Rick? I’m here. I’m right here.” Kieren told him, grabbing his wrist. With the chilled air, Rick didn’t think about how much colder Kieren’s skin was compared to his.

“You’re dead, Ren, we’re sitting at your grave.” Rick told him, exasperated, motioning to the headstone. “But you’re sitting here, talking to me like you’re actually here. And I’m talking like you’re here. You can’t be though.” Rick told him, his voice strained. “You can’t be real, Ren, much as I want you to be.”

Kieren looked up at him, suddenly realizing what must have happened. “They didn’t tell you, did they?” he asked, surprised. “How did you not... Rick, don’t you know about the rising?” Kieren asked, trying to keep a gentleness to his voice to avoid adding stress to the situation. He was oblivious as of yet of Rick’s coma, but had picked up on the fact that something must have been wrong, given the scarring over Rick’s face and the exposed skin of his hands.

Rick looked at him as if he had just suggested that pigs could fly. “When could I have heard about this? Been in the damn hospital near three years, apparently. Awake maybe half of it, in and out apparently.” Rick shook his head. “Ren, what do you mean? The what?”

“The rising, Rick. When people... People like me, who were... Dead... came back, and went to these places to be medicated before we could go home... Rick, I am dead, and you are at my grave.” Kieren told him, trying to gauge his face for a reaction. “But I’m here because I’m alive too... Partially.”

It took a bit for the new information to settle on Rick’s mind. When it had mostly become clear, he spoke. “There are more people like that?” he asked, trying to figure out how to tell if this apparent hallucination was real. Maybe if he saw someone else, he could believe that Kieren, his Ren, was real.

“Yeah, loads more.” Kieren told him. “Most people who died in 2009 came back. I don’t know of any who didn’t. All of us died the same year and rose the same night, all we know about it.” he lied. He did know a little more about it, though the doctors did do a pretty good job at keeping them in the dark, but he couldn’t overwhelm Rick at this point. Not when he already looked to be having an existential crisis.

“How... How did you...” Rick started, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to know. He swallowed hard after clearing his throat, needing to know more. He didn’t care about the rising, he needed to know about Kieren. “My dad said you killed yourself, Ren.” Rick choked out. Kieren only gave him a slight nod with downcast eyes. “Why’d you do it, Ren? You had so much in front of you, art school, you could have had it all, Ren!” he plead, as if he could change the past.

“When you died. Everything turned to shit.” Kieren said honestly, pulling his knees to his chest as his eyes could no longer look Rick in the eyes. “Life didn’t mean anything anymore.”

“So you... You offed yourself?” Rick asked, unable to understand why he would do such a thing.

Kieren remained silent. How could someone explain how it feels to be that depressed to someone who had been your only rock for happiness over the years?

“How could you do that?!” Rick nearly shouted, slamming his fists into his thighs, somehow needing to let out the surge of emotion flowing through him. Kieren kept staring straight ahead at the skyline. “Had the whole fucking world at your feet.” Rick tried to tell him, his own voice breaking a little as he tried to hold back the emotions that swam through his mind.

“Did I?” Kieren asked, a disheartened, breathy laugh coming out with the question.

“You’d got into Art School.” Rick told him, unable and perhaps unwilling to comprehend. “You were out of here. Flying high.”

“It didn’t matter much, without you.” Kieren told him honestly.

Rick looked exasperated. “Can’t put this on me.” he begged Kieren to tell him there was something else, some other reason. How could he live with himself knowing he had fucked Kieren up that bad?

Kieren himself looked rather distressed with the conversation. “Can’t I?” he asked.

Rick was close to breaking down. “We had already said goodbye.”

At this, Kieren finally scoffed. “That wasn’t a goodbye.”

Rick furrowed his brow. “It was.” He tried to defend himself. Deep down, however, he knew that it wasn’t. He just couldn’t accept the guilt of the blood of someone as precious as Kieren on his hands, especially not with all the guilts of the war already there.

Kieren shook his head in disbelief. Certainly Rick couldn’t call that a proper goodbye. “We drank a bottle of White Lightning, smoked some fags, messed around and you said ‘I’ll see you tomorrow’. Next day I’m hearing you’ve gone to Preston for basic training. I hear nothing from you after that.” He looked Rick in the eyes for emphasis. “Nothing!”

“Wanted to make it easier on you.” Rick told him.

“Wanted to make it easier on yourself, you mean?” Kieren spat. “I sent thousands of letters. Why didn’t you reply to any of them?” he demanded.

“Didn’t get any letters.” Rick told him confused. Kieren’s eyes accused him of lying. “Didn’t. Thought you’d just forgotten about me.”he admitted, vulnerability painted in his voice

“How could I forget about you?” Kieren asked him desperately. He felt like he would need to be able to do it again soon, only the proper way this time.

Rick shook his head, nearly in tears. “You were going to College. New place. New people.”

“That’s what you did, Rick. That’s exactly what you did!” Kieren accused. He couldn’t help but let out a bitter laugh. “Not me. I kept us going, in my head, I kept us alive.”

“You were gonna have such a brilliant life. I’d have slowed you down.” Rick tried to tell him. He thought someone as smart as Kieren would realize how detrimental he was, how he would have somehow messed everything up for Kieren had he stayed anyways.

“Is that why you never wrote? Is that why you never told your Dad about us?” he demanded.

“Ren...” Rick began before being cut off.

“Don’t make excuses about your dad, Rick. Just don’t.” Kieren implored.

“I wasn’t, Ren.” Rick said. “I did send you something, I couldn’t just leave everything like that, I needed closure too, but like I said, no letters from you. I thought you’d moved on, Ren, found someone else. Someone who deserved you. I sure as hell never did.” he admitted, wiping his eyes. “‘Cording to this though, I sent it too late. Shit, Ren, I’m so sorry.” Rick cried, finally succumbing to tears.

“How did you not get anything I sent, Rick?” Kieren asked, knowing that if he had a tear left in his body he’d be mirroring Rick’s reaction. “I believe you, but how?”

The thought hit both of them at the same time. “Bill.” Kieren said at the same time Rick said “My dad.”

They locked eyes for a moment, both still lingering with sadness, though Ricks quickly turned to rage. “How fucking dare he? I’m a bloody adult, he can’t do that. I thought.. I thought the army would be enough, Ren, I really did. Thought he’d get over the fact I’m a fag so long as joined up, thought maybe we could be together, just maybe not in Roarton, you know?”

Kieren frowned. “Don’t call yourself that.” he told Rick, reaching up to smooth a non-existent out of place hair back in place. 

Rick leaned into the touch, rather than the flinch that Kieren had already grown used to when his skin brushed against either of his parents’. Ice cold or boiling hot, Ren would always be Ren, and nothing would ever be more soothing to Rick than his gentle touch.

“I already punched him, don’t worry.” Kieren smirked, knowing it would make Rick laughed.

Laugh he did. When he finally regained composure, he asked him, “How the hell did you manage that?”

Kieren gave a soft smile to his old friend. “Save ‘n’ Shop, just a bit after you left. Wasn’t in my right mind, but Christ, Rick, did it feel good.” Kieren laughed.

“I’d just pay to see you throw a punch, Ren.” Rick smiled, nudging his shoulder playfully against Kieren’s. Neither made much of a move to pull away.

It didn’t take long for the familiar silence to wash over them. It was comforting, however, just to know that someone else was there, someone who meant as much to them as the other did. Kieren couldn’t feel much anymore, but the vague sensation of Rick partially leaning on him gave him a comfort he hadn’t felt since the last time they held each other. He understood it was a far too public place for much, but his eyes darted around quickly to see if anyone was around. The coast was clear.

“Hey Rick,” Kieren began, leaning in and kissing Rick’s cheek softly. “Happy birthday.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! No homework night means I got to finish this one tonight! Hope you all enjoy it! Also please ignore lame chapter title, it might get changed later (let's be honest it probably won't) but I wanted to post this to get to sleep. Thanks as always for reading! Love you guys!


	6. The Den

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to start by apologizing for the fact that I didn't post this until now. I managed to catch the flu so I've been pretty out of it and it's been hard to write. Nonetheless, I hope you all enjoy!

Rick was thankful for a lot of things that day, but he found himself to be grateful at that moment for self checkout’s introduction at Save ’n’ Shop. He didn’t think he would have been able to make any of his purchases in the lane that was occupied by one of his old classmate’s younger sisters who had immediately recognized him. As it was, he was mostly concealing several parts of his purchase beneath the comforter he had grabbed from the other shoppers in the store.

He tied up the bag of his purchases before checking his watch. It was still an hour and a half before Kieren had said he could meet him, but he decided to go ahead and head up to the old den anyways. He wanted everything there to be perfect by the time Kieren got there, bound and determined to make everything right now that they had a second chance.

It took longer than usual to get through the woods, his footing unsteady, but he was determined to make it to the cave. He could almost hear Cains mocking his each time he wanted to stop, something that he made a mental note to thank him for later.

A smile broke across his face when he saw that the declaration he had written on the wall all those years ago was only slightly faded with age. He pressed a hand to the cool surface, grateful for the chance to try to make good of the promise finally.

He went into his bag, carefully taking out the thick blanket he had purchased, folding it on the ground for a place they could sit. He took the candles from the bag as well, placing them sporadically throughout the den to give them better lighting once the sun would set more. The matches were next to be taken from the bag, lighting each of the candles in turn until there was a gentle flickering light filling the walls of the cave.

Rick looked at the rest of the bag before he tied it shut, setting it back where there were still some old paints that Kieren had left there before. Rick smiled at the sight of them, feeling as if the place had never changed. As he slid gingerly down the wall to sit and wait for Kieren, he felt at peace knowing the den was still their little sanctuary.

\---

Kieren was sitting in his room, just waiting for his parents to call him down for dinner. Most of what he did since getting home involved waiting. Waiting for his parents to trust him, waiting for his sister to forgive him, waiting for something that felt like it was never going to happen.

He went to open the box that he had stashed under his bed years ago. He put it in his lap, delicately lifting the lid. The first thing he saw was the face of his favorite artist, van Gogh, staring back at him. He looked at the familiar scrawl on the inside of it briefly, smiling at the message from Rick and the promise he just might get to keep now.

As he picked up the picture Rick had gifted him several years ago of the two of them sitting next to each other. He smiled, remembering the night that they took it, not long after the first time they kissed. The memory only made him look more forward to his plans for the night.

The photo still in hand, his door suddenly burst open. His eyes widened as Jem suddenly came in. He didn’t know what he expected from the first run in with his sister, but the hot ball of rage he was met with.

“What are you? A monster? A demon sent from hell?” She questioned, her arms crossed as she stared down at him.

Kieren looked down, not sure how to respond to such a blatant attack. “I don’t know.” he told her, beat.

Jem shook her head at him like some kind of pathetic animal. “My brother was a kind, gentle person. He wasn’t a monster. Who are you? What’s your name?” she demanded of him.

“Kieren.” he managed to squeak out before looking to his sister, pleading that she would understand.

She practically laughed in his face. “No, don’t believe you, sorry.” She said, the apology clearly only superficial.

“That’s my name.” he insisted.

“Prove it.”

Kieren looked at her at a loss. “I don’t understand?”

“Tell me something only my brother would know about me.” Jem challenged. “Come on, tell me!” she suddenly shouted when he didn’t immediately reply.

Kieren tried to think on his feet, unsure what would prove his identity. “When you were eleven you walked on your tiptoes for nine months.” he offered. She only looked at him, demanding more. “No one knew why you had started doing it. But you had since starting secondary school. Mum and Dad tried you on all sorts of pills and therapy and god knows, but still you tip toed.” he told her, emotionally distraught.

“Everyone knew I did that.” She replied bitterly, though her hardened exterior softened suddenly

“Those special clogs.” Kieren told her. This struck a chord with her. “Remember those clogs? You wore them in the morning but after mum dropped you off at the bus stop, you’d take them off, shove them in your backpack, put on some pumps and be back on your toes by time coach pulled up. Everyone thought you’d be like that forever and no one knew why.”

Jem continued to glare at her brother, distrust on her face. She was clearly challenging him when he continued. “But I did. You didn’t want to be noticed. You thought you were strange in some way so you walked around quiet as a mouse. But I knew how to fix it.” He smiled at his baby sister. “I made you a mix CD. A hardcore metal mix CD. Mum thought I was mad to give you songs with so much swearing on it, but... but I knew it’d do the trick.”

She had dropped her gaze, but now looked up, nearly screaming through her tears. “You didn’t even leave a note, Kier!”

Kieren looked at her regretfully. “I just wanted to disappear, Jem. When I heard about Rick...” Jem looked at her brother, clearly longing to use one of the swears that she had learned from that mixed CD. He dry sobbed, it coming out as a weak noise, as if an animal was being slaughtered before his admission. “It was my fault he deployed. I sent him to his death.” he told her with conviction.

“Bullshit! He deployed in Afghanistan!” she screamed at him. “Taliban was the reason he went there!” she sobbed.

“It was my fault he joined the army.” Kieren told her through a quivering jaw.

“What about me?” she asked him, a look of vulnerability painted on her face. That much raw emotion would have driven Kieren to paint the lines of her anger and the determinedness in her eyes, hoping to capture such pure, unadulterated righteous rage. Now he only wanted his sister to understand, to forgive him. He understood what he put her through, but he also understood what she would have gone through had he lived. Neither way would have ended well for the pair.

“I’m sorry, Jem.” he whispered.

“Fuck you.” she snapped. “Not allowed to say that to me.”

Kieren shook out his head. “Sorry.” he breathed.

“Fucking did it again!” she screamed, throwing the pint of water she had been holding at him. Kieren was grateful that she never had the best aim as the glass shattered, inches from his head on the wall.

When she threw open the door, Steve had run upstairs due to the commotion. “What have you said to him?” he demanded of his daughter when she brushed past him.

She didn’t stop until she reached her doorway. “Don’t know why you’re stressing? He can’t kill himself twice.” she spat. She went to slam her door, but stopped. “And you know what, Kier? He didn’t even bloody die. You offed yourself because you thought he was a goner but he came home, more bloody alive than you. Mum and dad don’t want you to know, ‘course, but fuck that. He’s here, Kier.” she told him.

“Jemima!” Steve warned, walking towards his daughter. “You pull any of that crap again and you’ll be seriously grounded.”

“Instead of what, dad? Hilariously grounded?” she quipped, shutting her door loudly.

Kieren looked to his father, betrayed. “You knew he was alive, didn’t you? You just didn’t want to tell me?” he asked his father before stomping down the stairs.

When he reached the bottom, Sue had already made her way to the landing. “Where are you heading, Kier? Dinner’s nearly ready.” she told him, as if he would be eating the lamb roast she had prepared in his honor. “Made lamb, you’re fave.” she smiled warmly at her son. Her brows suddenly furrowed, confusion crossing her face as he kept going.

By the time Kieren had turned, he was facing his parents. “Rick’s back. You knew his was back but you didn’t tell me?” he looked to them, demanding a response. “How could you not fucking tell me that?” he shouted at them. “I knew, I did, but shit, you should have bloody told me!”

“Kieren, love...” Sue tried to start as her husband sputtered out the faint beginnings of an excuse. “You can’t go out there, Kier, it’s dangerous!”

“I’m going to see Rick. Can’t stop me, I need to see him.” he told them before taking his leave into the night.

Kieren was still fuming as he approached the den at a furious pace, but as it drew nearer, he slowed some. His chest tightened, his mind racing at the memory of that day. He took a few unnecessary deep breaths in an effort to calm himself down. Apparently, it would have been too much to ask for his anxiety to have remained in the grave.

He closed his eyes, blindly walking into the cave while whispering to himself that he would be fine. All he hoped for was that Rick would be there soon, because he didn’t know how long he could sit there alone.

His wish was answered when he finally opened his eyes to see candles scattered throughout the den. He couldn’t help but smile when he saw three deliberately set in front of the declaration Rick had written years ago on the wall. Sitting directly across from it was Rick, a small grin on his face as he slept, leaning against the cave wall.

Kieren quietly walked over to Rick, smiling at his sleeping form. He sat down softly next to him, gently brushing his fingers through Rick’s hair before planting a soft kiss on his temple. Rick’s eyes flickered open, quickly met with Kieren’s chocolatey brown ones and a soft smile.

“Hey.” Kieren said softly, not wanting to be too loud to disturb Rick, having just woken up.

“Hey yourself.” Rick returned, reaching towards Kieren. He gently pulled his face closer to his own, giving Kieren time and the ability to pull away before he gently pressed his lips to his.

Kieren felt butterflies explode in his stomach at the slow, gentle kiss. His sensation was dulled physically, but mentally, that much care and affection was all he needed at that point. He kissed back, praying that the moment would never end. Unfortunately, Rick had to pull away to catch his breath, though he didn’t stray far, pressing his forehead to Kieren’s.

“I missed you so much, Ren.” Rick told him. “Didn’t make it an hour without thinking about you.”

Kieren raised his hand to caress Rick’s cheek, content washing over him at the care Rick was putting into his words and deeds. “I missed you too.” he added softly, before capturing Rick’s lips again.

Rick’s breath caught in his throat at the touch of Kieren’s lips to his. He was receptive to it, of course, as his hands slowly wandered along Kieren’s body. He found himself holding on to Kieren’s hips as he pulled him even closer. A soft moan escaped his lips as Kieren made a move to swing one of his legs on the other side of him. 

A smile spread across Rick’s face when he had to take a moment to breathe. Kieren cuddled into his shoulder, sighing contently as Rick’s strong arms wrapped around him more tightly, pressing them even closer together. Rick kissed the junction between Kieren’s neck and shoulder as he rubbed his back.

“I never got to tell you something, Ren.” Rick told him, breaking the silence that had fallen over them. Kieren shifted so he would be able to see Rick’s face as he spoke. When Rick’s hand moved up to Kieren’s face, Kieren instinctively moved in to the touch, smiling contently at his best friend. “I love you, Ren. I love you more than anything.” Rick said, gently stroking the side of Kieren’s face.

Kieren smiled, a rush of warmth rushing over him as he heard the words he had so desperately needed to hear. “I love you too, Rick. I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as usual for reading! This chapter actually was originally going to go longer, but I realized how much longer it was going to be so I split it into two separate chapters. Thanks as always for reading, I'll do my best to update whenever I can!


	7. Adding Shadows to the Walls of the Cave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah I'll just leave this here as a warning... I'm not good at writing this kind of thing but I tried.

Both stared at each other in wonder as their declarations sunk in. Rick let out a happy laugh as his face spread into a wide smile. Kieren returned it as they wrapped each other in a warm embrace.

“I love you, I love you, I love you...” Rick repeated over and over into Kieren’s shoulder, the weight of carrying the undeclared love suddenly lifted from his shoulders. He only wished he could find a way to express just how true those words were.

Kieren laughed with joy at Rick’s babbling. “I love you too, Rick.” He told him, taking his face in his hands. “I.” He said before kissing Rick briefly. “Love.” he planted another soft kiss to Rick’s lips. “You.” He finished, stealing the words Rick was about to say with his lips.

What started as a gentle kiss slowly heated as both Kieren and Rick craved more from the other. Rick’s hands found their way back to Kieren’s hips as they rocked slowly against his. Rick’s grip tightened as Kieren pressed himself further against him, Kieren’s mouth the only thing that stifled the desperate moan that escaped his lips. He broke his lips away from Kieren’s as he panted desperate for air.

“Shite, Ren...” he breathed, biting his lip. “Shit, feels... So good, Ren.” he told him as he bucked his own hips up to meet Kieren’s. He didn’t care that they were both fully dressed and acting like a couple of teenagers, having Kieren there with him was enough to drive him crazy. All he had wanted in the past few years was to have Kieren in his arms, and now that he was, all the anxiety he had previously had were down the drain.

Kieren ran a hand through Rick’s hair, earning a look of pure ecstasy for the action. “Rick, I want you...” Kieren whispered, just loud enough for him to hear. “Do you have, you know, what we need?” he asked him, slightly bashfully.

Rick chuckled a bit at Kieren’s shyness before nodding. “Got some earlier, just in case.” Rick told him, gently coaxing him off of him so he could retrieve it.

Kieren chuckled as he sat down on the blanket next to Rick who began to slowly stand up. “Just planning on using me for sex this whole time, yeah?” he teased.

Rick turned back to him laughing, “You caught me.” he smirked before stealing a quick kiss. He went back to where he had set the bag. “Really though, Ren, it’s just an added bonus. If you don’t want to...” Rick offered.

“What did I just say a minute ago?” Kieren asked him, chuckling. “If you want me, Rick, I’ll always want you.” he honestly told him.

“And I’ll always want you, Ren.” Rick told him, getting back down onto the ground with Kieren. Kieren had a look on his face telling Rick that if he could blush, he would be a bright scarlet. “Mean that, Ren. Always have and always will.”

Kieren pulled Rick closer, smiling as he kissed him. His hands wandered down to the hem of Rick’s shirt, hovering there for a moment before Rick nodded. He broke away for just a moment as the shirt came over Rick’s head and Rick pulled Kieren’s off as well. Rick’s fingers traced along the pale skin of Kieren’s torso, surprised by the contrast of his face and his chest.

“We wear cover up mouse... To look more normal...” Kieren explained, ashamed of his own body under the eye of the man he loved. “I’m sorry.” he whispered.

Rick shook his head. “Don’t be, Ren.” he whispered, gently pushing him down to lay with his back. He scattered kisses along his collarbone, his chest, and down to his stomach. “You’re incredible, Ren. So incredible.” he told him, hoping that he would believe him.

Kieren only rolled his head back as he sighed in contentment. As Rick slowly began to work on the zipper of Kieren’s jeans, he placed a hand on his head where he was kissing the skin just above the fabric. He quickly withdrew it, however, when Rick’s eyes flickered up towards the touch and saw the ugly scar with poor stitching through it.

Rick forgot what he was doing and quickly grabbed Kieren’s wrist. If Kieren could shed tears, he would have started crying as Rick looked at it, a pained expression on his face. “I’m sorry, Rick...” Kieren practically sobbed as Rick gently grabbed his other wrist, examining the scar’s twin that laid there.

Rick gently hushed him, pulling him into a gentle embrace. “I’m sorry I did that to you, Ren. I’m so sorry.”

Kieren nodded, not knowing what to say. “Worked out in the end though, didn’t it?” he asked him.

Rick smiled, holding Kieren an arm’s length away to look him in the eye. “I suppose it did, didn’t it?” he replied.

Kieren let out a half hearted laugh, “Completely ruined the mood though, didn’t I?” he asked, a hand absentmindedly tracing indecipherable shapes on Rick’s chest.

Rick shook his head, grabbing Kieren’s hand and softly kissing it. “Nothing could ruin the way I feel about you.” he promised.

Kieren’s heart melted as he smiled at Rick’s words. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so happy. “I love you.” He whispered onto Rick’s lips just before kissing him deeply.

Rick couldn’t find a word to properly describe the feeling rushing through him as the kiss deepened. Kieren’s tongue had slid into his mouth, not lustfully or wantonly, but filled with so much desire and love that he almost forgot where he was. The only thing keeping him grounded at that very moment was the other man on top of him, earnestly putting all of his feelings into one kiss.

Rick shivered as Kieren’s cold skin brushed against his abdomen until it reached the button of his jeans. He pulled away from Kieren’s mouth as his head rolled back, moaning. “Fuck, Ren...”

As if only encouraged by Rick’s reaction, Kieren quickly moved to push them off faster. Rick, suddenly remembering his prosthetic leg, suddenly had a look of panic plastered on his face. He opened his mouth to try to explain, to try to cover up his weakness in any way possible, but Kieren quickly silenced him with a kiss.

“I don’t care, Rick.” He told him after breaking the kiss. “We can talk about it later, yeah?” he offered. Rick nodded.

Kieren kissed his way back down to where Rick’s jeans were around his knees. Before pulling them all the way off, he slowly pushed his boxers down to the same spot, making Rick gasp in anticipation. He looked down just in time to see Kieren lick his lips eagerly.

“You don’t have to, Ren...” Rick told him, mistaking the gesture for nerves. Kieren’s only answer was to lick Rick’s length before taking all that he could into his mouth and slowly bobbing his head. “Oh shit... Ren...” Rick swore as he laced his fingers through Kieren’s hair, pure ecstasy in his voice.

Kieren hummed softly in response to Rick’s cries, only earning a tighter grip in his hair. He found himself enjoying the dull sensation, glad to feel something at all compared to the nothingness he usually did. Rick still swore from above him as he felt one hand leave his hair and reach down to touch him. He released Rick from his mouth to let out a quiet cry when Rick gently squeezed him in his palm.

“On your back.” Rick said, though it was more of a suggestion than a demand. Kieren happily obliged either way, reaching up once he was laying down to run a hand down Rick’s arm as he hovered over him.

Before any of the fabric was stripped away, Rick playfully nibbled at the material of Kieren’s jeans. Kieren let out soft bursts of breath as he silently begged for more. Rick didn’t make him wait long as he hastily undid the button and zipper on his jeans, pulling them down only partially before engulfing Kieren in his mouth.

Kieren let out a surprised whimper, his hips eagerly moving up towards Rick’s mouth. “Shit... Sorry...” He breathed when Rick coughed a bit at the sudden movement.

“‘S’all right.” Rick told him as he took a moment to breathe before resuming.

Kieren was biting his lip and nearly squirming under Rick’s touch when Rick sat up and looked at him, admiring how perfect Kieren could look, even with his hair messed up and all the mouse from around his mouth probably spread all over Rick’s face by this point. All Rick saw, however, was perfection.

“How grossed out would you be if I kissed you right now?” Rick asked playfully as he stroked Kieren’s cheek.

Kieren only grinned, “Not at all.” he told him before pulling him in for a sweet kiss. “Do you want to... You know... Go further?” he asked sheepishly.

“‘Course I want to, Ren. Do you?” He asked. “‘S’all right if you don’t.”

“‘Course I want to, Rick.” Kieren smirked as he mimicked his boyfriend. Could he call him that? He wasn’t sure, considering everything, what exactly their relationship was. He wanted Rick to be his boyfriend, he had no doubt in his mind, but he felt the sudden need for it to be put into words. “Rick?” he questioned softly as Rick reached around him to grab the lube he had purchased. Rick hummed questioningly in response. “What are we, exactly? Are we mates or... More?”

Rick stopped, considering for a moment. “We’re mates, you’re my best mate, actually.” he responded, met by a slight look of hurt from Kieren. “But...” he emphasized, wanting to wipe that look from Kieren’s face as soon as possible. “If you’ll have me, I’d love to be your boyfriend, Ren. I really would.”

“Yeah?” Kieren asked, eyes sparkling.

“Yeah.” Rick confirmed, kissing his jaw. “I want you to be mine, and me to be yours, Ren. That’s all I’ve wanted for so long.” he told him. “Wasn’t lying when I said I love you, Ren.”

Kieren hugged him tightly. “I love you, Rick.” he said again, feeling as if he couldn’t say it enough to make Rick understand how much he meant it in that moment. He moved his lips to his ear, nibbling on it lightly before whispering, “I am all yours, right now and forever. Please...”

Rick needed no further prompting as he captured Kieren’s lips once more, the kiss heating up quickly as they pressed against each other, flesh to flesh. He again picked up the bottle of lube, opening it before hesitating for a moment. “You alright with...” he began.

Kieren grabbed the bottle, pouring some onto Rick’s fingers for him. “Yes. Please.” he breathed, needing Rick to do something.

“Sorry if this feels... Weird...” Rick murmured before kissing Kieren’s collarbone and slowly putting one finger in him. Rick kissed him softly each time he showed any sign of discomfort. “So good, Ren, you’re doing so good.” Rick praised him.

Kieren made a surprised noise as he suddenly felt a jolt of sensation, more pure than he had felt since his death when Rick curled his fingers. “Oh, fuck, Rick... Again...” He begged before reaching down and stroking Rick, wanting to do something for him as well. This time, they both moaned nearly simultaneously at the overwhelming sensations physically and mentally. “I’m ready Rick... I’m ready.” Kieren told him anxiously.

Rick looked him in the eye, waiting for one more nod before proceeding. He ripped opened the condom before rolling it on. Kieren stared up at him, waiting for Rick to be ready himself. When Rick swallowed hard, looking like he didn’t know what to say, however, Kieren was quick to recognize it.

“What’s the matter?” he asked softly. He prayed that Rick wouldn’t say something about his dad, but braced himself for the possibility. “Come on, Rick, you’ve got to talk to me.” he told him when his gaze dropped.

“I don’t know... With my leg, I don’t know how easy this is going to be... Maybe you should just...” Rick said, sounding hopeless.

“It’s fine, Rick. Here...” Kieren smiled, standing up. “You sit down, alright?” he told him, grabbing part of the blanket to put behind Rick’s bare back so it wouldn’t be rubbing against the cave’s wall. Rick complied, looking unsure about what was happening, though he trusted Kieren’s judgement.

Kieren slowly knelt in front of Rick, reaching down to hold him in place. “This alright with you?” he asked as he hovered slightly above Rick’s lap. Rick let out a soft moan and nodded before he felt Kieren slowly sink down onto him.

Their lips hardly left each other’s, other than as Rick panted for air or when either let out a loud cry of excitement at the other’s touch. Eventually, Kieren could do no more than to bury his face in Rick’s shoulder as he stroked him at the same pace that he worked his hips up and down. He swore as pleasure raced through him, fighting to look at Rick when he asked him to look him in the eyes as he rode out his high.

As soon as he was able to think at all again, Kieren threw himself to Rick’s lips, kissing him with all he had in him. He was nearly trembling still, but was determined to make Rick feel the same ecstasy he felt in that moment. Rick was receptive to the kiss, grunting not long after, signalling his own release.

Kieren moved off of Rick before curling up against Rick as he panted. He smiled when Rick looked down at him with a look of wonder in his eyes. “That was incredible.” Kieren whispered, kissing Rick’s neck.

“Yeah.” Rick agreed, curling his arm around Kieren before pulling the blanket around both of them. “I know I’ve been saying it all night, but I do love you, Ren.” he repeated himself.

Kieren smiled, “I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of hearing it.” he craned his neck to peck Rick’s lips. “I love you too, Rick.” he told him truthfully before closing his eyes and trying to sleep. Rick smiled warmly, kissing Kieren’s forehead before doing the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for how bad this probably was... I've never tried writing that before, if you couldn't tell by how long I took tiptoeing around it before rushing for it to be over with... Haha, anyways, I think I made up for not posting at all this weekend, right? Two in one day? Maybe I need an "I'm sorry i tried to write smut" chapter though... Who knows. I hope you guys are still enjoying this though! Love you all lots and thank you for reading!


	8. Nightmares

Kieren kissed Rick softly before whispering something he couldn’t understand. He cocked his head towards him, trying to hear as again Kieren whispered. Suddenly, Kieren was farther and farther away. He tried to reach out, to grab him, keep him there, but he was too far away.

The first noise he heard in the dream was a scream. A sharp piercing scream coming from Kieren’s lips. He looked like he was underwater, but the water quickly muddied with blood seeping from Kieren’s wrists. Kieren was screaming, screaming for help, screaming for Rick to save him, screaming how it was Rick’s fault. It was all his fault. Soon the water was blurring Kieren’s face out until it swept towards Rick himself, washing over him along with a wave of nausea. 

Once the scene was washed away, his eyes opened to the desert in Afghanistan. He looked around him, seeing all of his men around him, walking on patrol. He recognized something about that day though. He knew something was off. Whitten... Whitten was about to step on...

The explosion sent Rick flying backwards. When he opened his eyes though, he wasn’t in his body. Rather, he looked down at his own body, shrapnel ripping through his face and his chest, Cains next to him in much the same shape, though he remain conscious, moaning in pain, screaming for help as he spat out his own blood, trying to simply survive.

Disembodied, Rick floated to the others where they lay on the ground. He stared at all of them as they laid bloody on the ground.

\---

“No, no, no, no, NO!” Rick screamed, thrashing as he woke up drenched in a cold sweat, the image of his friends, chunks of their bloodied bodies scattered along the desert sand, Cains’ screams still ringing in his ears.

“Rick, Rick, settle down, it was a dream.” Kieren desperately tried to calm him down. Rick still shook with sobs beside him. “Rick, I’m here, it’s ok, it was a dream, just a dream...” he whispered softly, pulling his head to his chest.

Rick sobbed before wrapping his arms around Kieren, burying his face in Kieren’s chest. “Ren... It’s so real, Ren, they are so real...” he told him as Kieren rubbed his back gently, holding him close. “I see it all, Ren, I see it all, it’s so vivid...”

“You see the things you did, don’t you?” Kieren asked softly. Rick’s only response was in the quiver of his jaw. “I get dreams like that too, Rick, but you know what they are? They’re dreams, Rick. Just dreams.” he said softly. “But, if you want to talk about them, I’m here, yeah?” he offered.

Rick shook his head. “Don’t need to put you through that shit...” He muttered, suddenly intent on finding the rest of his clothes.

Kieren pulled his legs to his chest, watching him move around the den. “What are you doing, Rick?” he gently questioned as Rick frantically put on his watch, looking at the face to tell the time.

“I’ve got to get home, Ren, my dad’ll kill me if I’m out...” Rick told him, his voice still sounding off.

“No.” Kieren said, a certain tone of demand in his voice that Rick had never heard before. Immediately, he looked to Kieren as if he was his CO and he was awaiting orders. “I’m not leaving you alone, Rick. I know what it’s like to wake up like that, and I know what it’s like to be alone after them. Now, either we’re staying here, or we’re going back to my place, ‘less you really want me to go back to yours and see how Bill reacts.”

Rick looked him in the eyes as if to protest for a moment before nodding in submission. “Ren, is this where... Where you...” he asked in a nearly inaudible voice, the realization suddenly hitting him. He knew Ren, and he knew how his mind worked. He also knew that when he found out Ren had killed himself, he had thought of this place as the perfect place for his own death to join him.

Kieren’s eyes fell to a candle where it held onto its last life with the wick nearly entirely gone from being left lit for so long. Rick’s choice in small cheap candles was proving to be leaving them in a darker and darker area by the minute. “Yeah. It was.” he finally admitted before releasing a puff of air, extinguishing the candle before it could meet its fate in another way.

Rick’s face contorted in pain as he held a fist up to his mouth, trying not to cry out. As a single tear found its way down his right cheek, he shook his head, sending it off to the ground before it could get far. “I can’t stay here, Ren. Not knowing that this is where...”

Kieren nodded, taking his hand. “I’ll be just a minute.” he said as Rick helped pull him up. He picked up his scattered clothes, hastily dressing himself before nodding to Rick. “Come on, let’s go.”

They walked slowly, a function of the darkness, uncertain footing, and the awkwardness that hung in the air after the early morning talk they had just had. Still, they hadn’t moved far by the time Rick was grabbing Kieren’s hand, lacing their fingers together.

“I’m not mad at you, Ren, you know?” he asked when Kieren leaned against his side. “I just... I’m trying to get used to everything after being out of it for years, and I’m just... My therapist says I get overwhelmed by everything and sometimes it looks like anger, I guess.” Rick admitted, coughing awkwardly, uncomfortable mentioning it, but knowing it had to be said.

Kieren stretched up, kissing Rick’s cheek. “I know you aren’t mad.” He assured him. “Trust me, I know about the adjustment period.” he laughed a bit, even getting a bit of a grin from Rick.

They kept walking, but the silence was suddenly a lot more comfortable. Kieren’s head fell onto Rick’s shoulder as they walked through the darkened village, the veil of night giving them a confidence they hadn’t known when they were younger. Still, when they reached Kieren’s street, the best lit area they had been walking down, they fell to be walking side by side, a safe distance between them. 

Kieren pressed a finger to his lips when they reached the door to his house, reaching out to slowly open it. He cringed a little as it softly creaked, but motioned for Rick to go in first before he followed, quietly shutting it as well.

Rick’s eyes were flicking around the familiar house, seeing that not much had changed in the years since he had been there other than a few updated pictures hung around the house. His attention snapped back to Kieren as he whispered to take his shoes off so they could walk upstairs more quietly.

“Ren... I can’t...” Rick admitted in a whisper.

Kieren bit his lip, embarrassed. “Right, sorry.” he replied in a hushed voice before motioning for him to follow up to his room. When he got further up the stairs, he breathed a sigh of relief as he heard Jem click on some music, quieter than her usual listening volume, but enough to mask the footsteps coming up the stairs from her parents. “Remind me to thank her later...” he laughed quietly before he reached his bedroom.

When they got in his room, Kieren quickly curled up on his side in the bed. Rick hesitated for a moment near the edge of the small bed before Kieren patted the bed in front of him. He left a polite gap between himself and Kieren, though it wasn’t much on the small bed.

Kieren frowned at the space between them. “Are you regretting...?” he questioned, trying to hide the hurt on his face.

“No, Ren, no, I’m not. I just wasn’t sure... You’re parents or Jem could come in, didn’t know if you wanted them to find out, you know?” Rick told him.

Kieren only sighed, snuggling up into Rick’s chest. He smiled when Rick’s arms wrapped around him, shifting them a bit further from the edge of the bed. “Jem knows, and so does my mum... Last time you were over, she came upstairs... I think my dad’s still oblivious, though, if that’s a comfort.”

Rick laughed a little uneasily, “Yeah, I guess that is...” he said, pressing his cheek to Kieren’s forehead. “They really not mind?” he asked after a brief period of silence. He couldn’t help but feel some jealousy towards Kieren for having such an accepting family.

“No, they don’t. And you know,” Kieren shifted himself so he could look into Rick’s eyes, “They feel the same towards you, not caring about this, I mean. They wouldn’t mind you staying over here ever, if you need to or want to.” he told him.

Rick smiled, kissing Kieren’s temple. He didn’t know what to say, but he wanted to show Kieren that he appreciated it. Kieren smiled as he tilted his chin up for a brief kiss. They laid, forehead to forehead, looking into each other’s eyes as they smiled at the moment they shared.

“Do you want to sleep?” Kieren eventually asked softly when Rick let out a soft yawn.

Rick only shrugged. “You can, if you want. I usually can’t, not after one of those dreams.” Rick admitted. When Kieren’s eyes flashed concern, Rick gave him a smile, attempting to reassure him as he leaned in to kiss his forehead. “Get some sleep, Ren.”

“I don’t need much anymore. I’d rather stay up with you.” he responded. “What was your dream about?” Rick only shook his head, not wanting to recount the images that were scarred on his retinas. “I have nightmares too, about stuff that happened in the rising. Don’t need to be ashamed of them.”

Rick sighed, “I don’t want to drag you into all of it, Ren. They’re just dreams.” he told him.

“Ok.” Kieren whispered in defeat. “Just promise you’ll talk to me if you ever need to?”

“I will, Ren, promise.” Rick whispered in his sleepy boyfriend’s hair. He only smiled when he heard Kieren softly grunt in reply, obviously already almost asleep again.

\---

Rick’s eyes flickered open at the feeling of Kieren’s lips gingerly brushing against his. He smiled sleepily at the boy next to him through the dim light filtering through the closed curtains. Rick reached his lips out searching for Kieren’s, kissing him sweetly.

“Morning.” Kieren smiled, cupping Rick’s cheek in his hand.

“Morning.” Rick agreed, his voice still scratchy with sleep. He chuckled as he reached up towards Kieren’s hair, brushing his fingers through parts of it. “Your hair is all over the place.” he smirked.

Kieren shrugged, letting Rick continue to play with it. Long after it was as tamed as it was going to get, Rick still kept his hand there, remembering how Kieren used to love having his fingers running along his scalp. Kieren closed his eyes in contentment, tightening his grip around Rick’s middle as he shifted closer to him.

“Sleep well?” Rick asked Kieren softly as he buried his face in his chest.

“Mmmhmmm.” Kieren hummed happily. “You?” he asked when he stretched his neck up, kissing Rick’s jawline.

Rick smiled down at him, kissing his nose before replying. “Better with you here.”

“You can come over nightly, you know.” Kieren offered.

Rick frowned a bit, “You know my dad, Ren...” he told him sadly.

“I know...” Kieren sighed. “Just make the most of it while we can, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Rick agreed, lightly pressing his lips to Kieren’s.

Kieren smiled at the touch, putting one hand on Rick’s cheek to hold him there longer. his other hand, he laced with Rick’s hand that wasn’t tracing circles with the thumb on his waist. Their bodies were pressed fully together, though Rick found himself craving even more of the sweet boy in front of him. Carefully, without breaking the kiss, he pushed Kieren onto his back, taking the opportunity to pin him underneath himself.

A soft moan escaped Kieren’s lips as Rick pulled both of his wrists above his head, holding them there with one hand as his other slowly trailed down Kieren’s body. “Wow...” he whispered when he pulled away for just a moment to breathe.

Kieren took the opportunity to free his hands, wrapping them around Rick’s neck, pulling him back down to him. Rick made a small surprised noise when Kieren bit at his bottom lip, taking the moment to slide his tongue into his parted lips.

“I love you.” Rick breathed, kissing from the corner of Kieren’s lips down to his collarbone. He opened his mouth to say it again when they both heard the doorknob turn as the door opened.

“Kier, love, time for your shot.” Sue called to her son as if she didn’t notice the red-faced man frozen in fear and embarrassment who was half on top of him. She started to shut the door before she added, “You’re welcome to join us for breakfast too, Rick.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took a bit longer than usual to get up! I'm hoping to get another chapter or two up before Christmas however.
> 
> Speaking of Christmas, head over to my tumblr and reblog http://worsethanazombie.tumblr.com/post/105808719552/worsethanazombie-hello-everyone-this-is#notes to enter for a chance to win a Christmas fic that will be posted both here and on tumblr . The post gives some of the details. Best of luck!


	9. Breakfast

Sue smiled at the end of the table, eyes flicking between her son, her husband, and Rick Macy as they all played with their food, only Steve taking occasional bites as both Rick and Kieren stared down at their plates. Rick was still particularly pink, embarrassed about what Sue had walked in on. Sure, Kieren had said she knew about them, but he couldn’t shake his fear about how she would react.

There was a quiet beeping on Sue’s watch as she quickly wiped her lips with a napkin. “Come on, Kier, let’s go in the living room for your shot.” she smiled, standing up. “We’ll be right back.” She excused them with a smile directed especially towards Rick.

Kieren sat on the couch as usual, lips pursed in anticipation. Vaguely, he felt Sue’s hand as it rested on his shoulder, quietly counting down from three before she pressed the medicine into his neck.

When his shuddering subsided, he opened his eyes to see his mum sitting right next to him, a concerned look on his face as usual. “Alright, Kier?” she asked him as she rubbed his back.

Kieren nodded. “Yeah, I’ll be fine.” he smiled half heartedly as he started to stand up. “Better go save Rick from dad.” he chuckled a bit.

“Hang on, love.” Sue said, motioning for her son to sit back down. “Won’t hurt to have them wait for another few minutes.” Kieren met her gaze, nodding slowly as he sat back down. “Kier, you’re sure about this?” she asked him. “It’s not going to be like last time?”

“Christ mum...” Kieren sighed, his head falling back on the back of the couch.

“No, Kier, it can’t be like this last time. If something happens, you don’t leave. You stay.” she told him, forcefully. Kieren looked at her wide eyed for a moment before nodding. “Kier, love, I want you to be happy. Are you happy, Kier?”

“Yeah, mum... I am. I’ve never been happier than I am when I’m with him.” Kieren admitted quietly.

Sue smiled at her son, cupping his cheek as she stood. She kissed his forehead before she patted his cheek softly. “Come on, you’re dad’s probably bored Rick to sleep by now.”

“...Got a Blu Ray player and speakers with surround sound.” Steve was telling Rick. “You’re welcome to come by some time, we’ll get a little popcorn and have a little movie marathon... Sound good, Kier?” Steve asked brightly when he saw his son enter the room.

Kieren smirked at Rick who looked abashed, unsure how he was supposed to respond. “Sure, yeah dad.” he replied as he took his seat again. “Where’s Jem?” he asked after everyone else started eating the food in front of them.

“Upstairs still, I’m afraid, love. Should be coming down soon though, she’ll be hungry and wanting some eggs soon enough.” Sue smiled at her son.

As if on cue, they heard stomping down the stairs. “Mum, I’m starving!” Jem called out as she entered the kitchen, her hair in a mess as she rubbed at her eyes. Perhaps her only saving grace was that she had changed from her pajamas. “Oh. You’re here.” she said, less than enthusiastically as Sue handed her a plate of food.

“Actually, I should get going. Thank you for breakfast, Mrs. Walker.” Rick smiled, standing up. “See you around, Ren?” he added quietly near his ear.

Kieren nodded. “Yeah, see you later.” he said hopefully. “Oh, your jacket’s probably in my room... I can go get it for you if you want...” He offered, eyes instinctively drifting towards Rick’s prosthetic.

Rick smiled at him. “I’ve got it. Doc would tell me the stairs are good for me anyways. Stay with your family.”

“Ok. Well... Thanks for coming over.” Kieren told him, standing up. Both of their faces twitched into small smiles before Kieren surprised Rick with a hug. It took Rick a moment to react, but when he did, he reciprocated the embrace gladly. “It was good seeing you again, Rick.” Kieren said after he lingered in Rick’s arms perhaps a little too long.

“Good seeing you too, Ren.” Rick replied, a little red in the face from the open display of affection right in front of Kieren’s whole family.

Jem snorted, nearly choking on the egg she had been chewing. “It’s like one of those bloody soap operas, Christ, who would’ve known getting a jacket would be so emotional.” she laughed before shoving the last of the egg in her mouth.

“Jemima!” Sue and Steve scolded simultaneously as Rick motioned towards the stairs, letting himself up to Kieren’s room.

“Aw, show’s over...” Jem frowned sarcastically. “Going to take the toast to go.” she told them, holding up the pieces of slightly burnt bread before heading up the stairs herself.

Jem got to the top of the stairs, but rather than turning to her room, she walked to Kieren’s room. Rick was holding his jacket, but slowly walking around Kieren’s room, looking at the paintings that hung there. He had a slight look of confusion on his face, as if he knew something was off. He knew that Kieren switched the paintings in his room each time he finished a new one. He had seen all of the paintings there before.

“He didn’t touch a pencil, much less a paint brush since you left.” Jem told him, making him jump a bit in surprise. “Tried to get him to, you know. Seemed to make him happy before, thought it’d be the trick to break him out of the trance you left him in.”

Rick opened his mouth to speak, but Jem made a sound to silence him, holding up a hand. “I even offered to model for him, you know. He would’ve killed for me to do that before, but I never did. That’s how you left him Rick. No closure, no anything. And tell you what, I know how he felt because he did the same thing to me, and I can’t even blame him for doing it because I nearly did myself.” She took a deep breath. “There’s one person responsible for it, and you know who it is.”

“Jem... I’m so sorry, you know I never meant to do any of that to him...” Rick told her honestly.

“Whether you did or you didn’t, you still did it, Rick.” Jem said emotionally. “But he’s smiling again, Rick. You know how long it’s been since I’ve seen my brother smile like that? Before you deployed, after he snuck back home, woke me up, and told me that he loved you, but that he was too scared to admit it to you yet.”

Rick’s breathing hitched at the thought that Kieren back then had felt the same way he had, scared like him to admit it. “He felt the same?” he asked, a ghost of a smile on his face.

“He was infatuated with you, Rick. He still is.” Jem replied, sighing at how dense Rick was to not know that. “Which is why I’m here to tell you that if you hurt him again, Rick Macy, I will kill you. No disappearing without an explanation, no being too ashamed of him to tell anyone, no breaking his heart over anything. Got it?” she demanded, a look of pure determination on her face.

“Yes ma’am.” Rick replied, not so much mocking her as it may have came across, but more out of habit from receiving orders. Jem only let out a puff of air through her nose, rolling her eyes. “Sorry, didn’t mean it like that...”

“I know.” Jem smiled, suddenly wrapping her arms around Rick. “I missed you too, you know.” she said with her head against his chest.

“I missed you too, Jem.” Rick smiled as he returned the hug.

“I’ll walk you home, give your dad an excuse for you being out. Pretty sure I’m his favorite.” She winked before starting down the stairs, her ponytail bouncing with each step.

Rick smiled, suddenly remembering one thing: If you wanted one Walker sibling, you got the other as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long to get up! My brother has been home and I've had a lot of other stuff, but I'll try to be more timely with updates from here on out. Slightly shorter filler chapter, but I promise there will be more action coming soon! Thank you for reading and I hope you've enjoyed so far!
> 
> Also, I will have my Christmas fic giveaway fic up by the end of the weekend, I'm pretty excited about the concept so I hope you guys like it as well! It's different from other things I've written, but it's a nice change of pace to explore something different. That's all the hints you'll get about it until I post :) I'll see you guys soon with that and more of this one!


	10. Catching Up

Jem walked a bit in front of Rick, always a fast walker. She would turn every once in a while, walking backwards just to slow herself down a bit to walk more with Rick. Rick couldn’t help but laughed when she nearly ran face first into some girl who he didn’t recognize as she spun back around.

“Well maybe if you walked faster, I wouldn’t have to embarrass myself!” Jem complained once the unfamiliar girl walked past. “Thought Mr. Army would be faster than this.” she teased.

Rick gave her a half hearted smile. “Bit hard with a leg and a quarter.” he pointed out.

“Guess I can forgive you then.” Jem teased, taking his arm with a smile. “Don’t get to use that as an excuse forever, though.” she smirked, nudging him with her shoulder.

Rick could only laugh. “You remind me of one of my army buddies, you know.”

“Yeah?” Jem asked. “As good looking as me?”

Rick rolled his eyes at Jem’s question. “No, just as much of an arsehole.”

“Hey!” Jem protested, shoving him. They shared a laugh as he caught his balance and shoved her back, each of them knocking into each other as they continued their walk. When the Macy house came within their sights, Jem pressed her lips together, suddenly looking at Rick seriously. “You can’t tell your dad that Kier’s back.” she told him.

Rick looked at her, puzzled. He wasn’t planning on telling his father that he had been with Kieren the previous night, but the urgency in Jem’s voice as she gave him the request had him curious. He knew that he missed the rising as Kieren had called it the previous night because of his coma, but didn’t other people know about it? “Why not?” he asked, genuinely wanting to know why.

“Just...” Jem sighed. “Just promise me you won’t, Rick.”

Rick looked her in the eyes, seeing how she was begging even with those for him to remain quiet. He gave her a slight nod. “Alright. Promise I won’t.” he told her.

\---

Amy walked along the streets of Roarton. She remembered vaguely where Kieren lived, but she knew that her brain was still a bit scrambled. Since she had no living relatives, it had taken the treatment centre a bit longer to get her back home, eventually settling her in to the bungalow her nan had left for her. She was already bored of being alone, and had decided to take matters into her own hands and find her friend.

The first house was the wrong one, making the elderly woman who answered jump back in fright when greeted by her old friend’s dead granddaughter. When Amy asked if Kieren Walker was around, the woman’s hand shook as she pointed down the street. “The Walkers live two doors down.”

Sue gave her family a smile when they heard a knock at the door. She excused herself to see who was there. It didn’t take long for her to come back, a confused look on her face, trying to mask fear at the request for her son. “It’s for you, Kier.” she told him.

“Amy?” Kieren smiled,getting up to greet her.

“Hiya, handsome!”

\---

When they got back to the Macy house, Rick was about to invite Jem in for tea when Bill yelled out for him. “Where the hell have you been? Worried your mother half to death, she thought you were off in a ditch somewhere!” Bill scolded.

“Sorry, dad, won’t happen again, I swear.” Rick told him. “I just ran into an old mate, and time got away from me. I should’ve let you know.”

“Who was it?” Bill asked, a bit surprised. Most of Rick’s classmates from high school were either in uni or somewhere outside of Roarton working.

Rick’s eyes went wide. He was awful at lying to his father about who he was with. He couldn’t think of any of his old friends who he knew would still be in Roarton, either. “He was with me, catching up.” Jem called out from behind Rick.

Now Bill turned, looking towards the door from the chair he sat in. Rick was surprised to see the look of happiness on his father’s face. “There’s my favorite trigger-happy lass.” he laughed, standing up. “Grab a round from the refrigerator, son.” Bill ordered, motioning for Jem to sit down. Apparently nine in the morning wasn’t too early for a few beers with Bill.

“I’ll just take some water, if you’ve got it.” Jem smiled politely at Rick.

Rick went, grabbing two bottles of water and a beer for his father. He sat next to Jem on the sofa as his father spoke.

“Didn’t know you two were close before.” Bill commented, taking the beer that Rick offered him. “Reckoned there was a bit of an age gap before, but it’s not so strange now I s’pose.”

Rick only shrugged. “Just saw each other and started talking. Only knew each other a bit before I deployed, but nice to see a familiar face around my age.” Rick explained, trying to fall in pace with what Jem had told him. “Most of my mates must be out of here by now, in uni and whatnot, yeah? Haven’t run into anyone much.”

Bill nodded, “Couple o’ them still come up once in a while, but most of them have decided their too good for good old Roarton.” he scoffed. “Not Jem, though, she’s staying like any good loyal lass would.” he smiled at her as she fidgeted on the couch.

“Not going off anywhere, Jem? You’re old enough for uni, aren’t you?” Rick asked, receiving only a shrug in response.

“See you two got a lot of catching up done last night.” Bill winked at his son as if he knew what happened. Rick supposed he had it half right. “Janet! Put some tea on, Jem’s over!” he demanded of his wife when he heard what must have been her moving in the kitchen.

Jem smiled, but shook her head. “Appreciate it, but I’d better get going, my parents probably want me back over there, considering.” she told him. Rick looked at her confused, especially when Bill didn’t seem at all confused. “It’s the anniversary of... Kier...” she explained quietly.

“Nonsense, stay just for a quick cuppa.” Bill insisted before Jem could say any more. He hated that boy’s name, and he hated seeing how it had an affect on his son still.

Jem eventually agreed, accepting a cup of tea from Janet with a smile, and thanking her for the biscuits as well. Rick was so surprised at how regular it was to sit there with Jem, laughing, talking as if his father didn’t hate her brother, as if she was the Walker who he had spent the previous night with. He couldn’t imagine how Jem had manage to befriend his father of all people. Last he had known, she hated him almost as much as her brother had because her brother had. Losing him must have changed her a lot, he reasoned.

When Jem left, with instructions of saying hello to her parents for Bill and Janet, Rick was still baffled. He snapped out of it when his father clapped him on the back.

“Jem Walker, eh?” He asked him, pride in his voice.

“We were just talking, dad.” Rick frowned, hating that he knew his dad assumed they slept together.

“Lot of talking, I’m sure, hell of a lot you knew about her.” he smiled. “She’s a good girl, that Jem. Bit fiery, but not bad at all. Easy on the eyes, too. She’d be good for you.”

Rick bit back a comment, knowing that it was better that Bill thought that than something else. He thought back to Jem’s request to not mention anything about Kieren being back, perhaps the only reason he was able to stop himself. After he had found that most of his army friends didn’t care that he was with a guy, he had something in him that longed for acceptance from his dad, or at least just the ability to scream at him for being such a bigot. Instead he only gave a small smirk, casting his gaze down as if he was abashed and taking a drink of his water.

\---

One of the few things that kept Kieren sane the next few days was Amy’s constant presence, either sitting with him at his house, dragging him to the bungalow, or sitting at what Amy affectionately called “our final resting place”. Kieren even considered taking her to the den one day, but he decided against it. That was his and Rick’s place, and only his and Rick’s place, no matter how special his “BDFF” was to him.

As much as he enjoyed her presence, more than anything he wanted to see Rick. Rick who he didn’t have to explain all his secrets to (not that he minded telling Amy, it was just easier to talk to someone who already knew), Rick who told him he loved him and sent butterflies in his stomach. Rick, who he didn’t have to feel ridden with guilt with because he loved him back in every way, not just platonically as he did Amy.

She didn’t mind, knowing Kieren had Rick. She only wished she had what Kieren had, a whole host of people who loved him, and a family to go home to. She remembered the slip Simon had given her at the treatment center, inviting her to see him and his group, hoping that she would find something like that there. She bought a ticket, planning on taking her leave quietly, but found herself greeted by Kieren himself.

“Going on a day trip without me, partner?” he asked her, popping up behind her.

“Not a day trip this time, partner.” she smiled, moving the suitcase at her feet into his sights.

Kieren glance at the suitcase, knowing how full it was. “Why?”

“It’s this place.” Amy told him, shaking her head. “It’s never going to accept people like us. Never ever.”

“It - it will. We’ll make it change.” Kieren insisted

“No, it won’t.” Amy told him definitely. “I _we ___need to go somewhere where we can be  
ourselves.”

Kieren looked at her curiously. “Where’s that?” 

Amy bit her lip, knowing that Kieren wouldn’t approve. “You remember Simon, he told me about this commune this guy with a website has for people like us...” 

_“Amy...” Kieren warned._

“He says he’s got answers. Aren’t you curious why we’re here? Why we came back in the first place?” She asked excitedly. 

Kieren nodded. “Course I am. But that guy Simon told you about?” 

“He’s got a community. Lots of people like us up there.” Amy insisted. “Simon’ll be there.” 

“That bloke with the site is bad news.” Kieren in turn held his ground. 

Amy gave him a smile. “Then come with me. Be my big strong bodyguard!” she told him, puffing up her cheeks and flexing her biceps. Soon, both of them laughed. 

“That’s me, is it?” Kieren asked, a genuine smile on his face. 

“Yep!” Amy said, pulling the same face again. “That’s the best impression of yourself you’ll ever see in your whole second life, Kieren Walker.” she declared, still giggling. 

Kieren still smiled at her. “Okay then.” 

“So that’s a definite yes. You’re coming with me?” Amy asked. 

Kieren’s smile faded. “I can’t come with you, not just yet.” he told her. 

“Right.” she sighed. “Rick.” Kieren only looked down, not wanting to meet her eyes. “He seems like a right dickhead if you ask me.” 

“It’s just an act he has to put on for his dad.” Kieren told her. 

Amy looked up at him, challenging him gently. “Think he’ll change too?” 

Kieren met her gaze, nodding. “Yes.” he confirmed. 

They could see the train coming when Amy pinched his cheek fondly. “You’re such a soppy optimist!” she told him with a smile. 

“Optimist?” Kieren couldn’t help but laugh. “Amy, I killed myself.” 

Amy thought for a bit. “Okay, so you’re an optimist with depressive tendencies...” She smirked. 

Kieren saw the train drawing even closer. He looked at her sadly. “I’ll be depressed if you leave.” 

Amy looked at him, still smiling, though slightly strained. “You’ve a family. I don’t have that. And as much as I adore staring at your pretty face all day...” she began, reaching out again to pinch his cheek, “I need something like it.” 

“Your medication.” Kieren blurted, searching for any reason for her to stay as the train pulled in. “We have to take our shots every day. What are you going to do about that?” he asked desperately. 

“Guy Simon told me about, he’s got tons of the stuff stockpiled.” Amy told him. Kieren looked crushed as his friend picked up her suitcase. She realized that was his last shot at trying to get her to stay, and it killed her (again) to hurt him, but she had to do it for herself. She tried to lighten the mood by smiling at him. “Don’t be so glum, Kieren Walker. I’ll be back! We’ve got a wedding to go to anyway!” 

If her goal was to wipe the sad look off of Kieren’s face, it was a success as it was quickly replaced with confusion. “Wedding?” 

Amy smiled. “Ours, dum dum!” When Kieren was done rolling his eyes, she looked at him seriously. “If you ever need to get out of this stuffy old village, you’ll call Simon, right? Come find me?” she asked hopefully. 

Kieren looked at his BDFF before giving her a hug. “‘Course I will. Take care, Amy.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I teased you with the introduction of Amy... I needed her in Roarton for just a bit though, I promise this isn't the last we'll hear from our beautiful genius, so don't fret! Thanks as always for reading, you guys are the best!


	11. Letters

Rick looked down at the paper in front of him. Words were never his strong suit, and the fact that he was trying to fit almost a week’s worth of time into one note to make up for his absence was not helping. Neither was the recipient’s little sister hovering over his shoulder.

“Christ, Rick, I just said he would want to hear something from you, didn’t know it’d take half a year.” Jem complained, walking over to his bed and plopping down onto it.

Rick reread the words again, crossing out a few and rewriting better ones above the scratched out bits. Finally, he signed it like they always signed anything they wrote to each other back before everything happened, and he folded it delicately. He offered the sheet to Jem who took it, unfolding it promptly to read it over.

“Hey! That’s not for you!” Rick complained, reaching over to grab it. Jem lunged back, laying on her back with her arm outstretched above her head, taunting him as she strained her neck to read it.

“I do miss you and I do want to see you, swear I do...” Jem read, mocking his voice by dropping hers an octave or two. “Enough I do’s in there? Practicing for your vows are you?” she teased before she continued reading.

Rick stood, leaning over to try to snatch the paper back. “Fuck off, Jem. Give it here!” Rick laughed as she tried to hold it even further from him. “Shit!” he suddenly swore, unstable and falling, thankfully catching himself mostly on his right arm next to Jem rather than on top of her. “Shit, I’m sorry, my leg...” Rick blushed, pushing himself up as Jem seemingly had shrugged it off as she only laughed harder.

Rick looked up just in time to meet his father’s eyes as the door slowly shut itself, having been open since Jem had stopped by. He hadn’t seen a need to shut the door, but the quick wink from his father told him that he had much different thoughts than Rick had on his mind.

Rick’s face was scarlet as he sat next to Jem. “Sorry...” he again apologized.

“You’re fine.” Jem brushed him off. “You were practically my second brother growing up, hell, I thought you were actually my brother for a bit, you were over so often when you and Kier were like twelve. When you stopped coming over, thought we adopted you out or something.” she gave him a soft smile.

“Would have kept coming if I could have.” Rick told her honestly.

“I know you would have.” she assured, lifting up the piece of paper. “I’ll go give this to him. I think he’s dying from waiting. Again.” she winked standing and walking towards the door.

Rick smiled, though a bit of sadness showed through. When Jem looked at him guiltily, he cleared his throat. “Thanks, Jem.”

“No problem, Rick.”

\---

It had been a long time since Jem had seen her brother smile the way she saw him smile that day when she handed him the note from Rick. She couldn’t help but smile too, thinking how disgustingly in love they were. As much as she wanted to giving her brother shit for it, she was too happy for him at the moment to care much.

That was the first day she saw him pick up a pencil again. Apparently, he didn’t want to use his old sketchbook, saying that it felt wrong to draw in it since he was an entirely different person then, but then again, the pieces of printer paper he was using didn’t seem right either.

It didn’t really feel right to hold a pencil and not be able to truly feel it either. He ran his finger along the wooden tip, expecting the familiar texture, but instead the sensation came in through static. He could vaguely tell that it wasn’t entirely smooth, but he could have told that from his eyes, or even imagined it. 

The drawings were just as good, however, as if he hadn’t missed a single beat in the years since he had died. When Steve got home to see Kieren spread out across the table, papers scattered everywhere like they always were when Kieren was a young boy, he couldn’t help but look to his wife watching him in the opposite corner, tears in her eyes.

Sue looked at her husband, happy tears finally rolling down her cheeks. Kieren was oblivious to it just as she was oblivious as to why he was suddenly taking up art again. She didn’t care, either. It only confirmed to her that her Kieren was back. Her beautiful Kieren was back.

“Looks like we’ll have to run to town to pick up some of those drawing pads tomorrow.” Steve finally said, breaking the silence.

Kieren almost jumped, not having noticed either of his parent’s presences until then, having had been so focused on the paper in front of him. He looked up hopefully. “And some paints?”

\---

“Got something for you.” Jem smiled when Rick answered her knock on the Macy’s front door. As he returned the smile and stepped outside with her, she offered him a folded up piece of paper.

“Thanks.” he smiled, taking it. “It’ll give me something to read on the way to the clinic.” he told her as he pocketed it. He wasn’t exactly keen on reading the note in front of her, simply because he had always been a pretty private person. 

Jem understood, not questioning it. “It’s not that far to Dr. Russo’s, you know. Don’t know how much reading you’ll get done walking over there, I think Kier wrote you a short novel.” Jem laughed.

“Nah, not Russo. I’ve got to go to the city to see a specialist.” Rick told her. “I was just getting ready to head for the train. Come with?” he offered, rather than sending her home right away.

Jem looked at him curiously, wanting to ask him what the specialist was for, She thought any doctor could deal with Rick’s leg, but she didn’t want to overstep her bounds. “Sure, I’ll walk with you.” she agreed finally.

They walked a bit towards the edge of town where the small station sat, a question on each of their minds. Eventually, Rick was the one who decided to ask his.

“How did you get on my dad’s good side?” he broke the silence suddenly. “I mean, I don’t even know if I’m on it most of the time, and I just figured with how he feels about Ren...” he explained more when Jem’s gaze held him in a strange regard.

Jem shrugged. “People came around looking for people to help them fight during the rising. I was one of the volunteers. Didn’t know Bill was the HVF leader, else I’m not sure what I would’ve done.” she explained.

“Fight?” Rick questioned. “You were what, 14?”

Jem nodded. “Didn’t come back the way Kier is now, Rick. They were these... Less than human things... They killed people, not knowing any better. Straight out of horror movie shit, it was.” she half laughed. “‘Cept it isn’t fun to watch when people you know are in danger, and you’re killing people for a second time, if you could even call them that.”

Rick frowned. “Before the medicine, you mean.” he clarified.

“Yeah, I s’pose.” she agreed, kicking a rock in the path in front of her.

“Ren’s the same as he was, you know that, yeah?”

Jem bit her lip. “Hard to remember when you saw him killing your girlfriend.”

Much to her surprise, Rick didn’t stutter a moment before he continued the conversation as if she hadn’t just admitted something that she hadn’t truly admitted to anyone else. “You said they didn’t know any better, Jem. Ren never would have hurt you like that if he would’ve known, wouldn’t’ve done that to anyone and you know that. I’m sorry, though. Know what it’s like to lose someone like that. It’s shit.”

Jem cast her eyes downwards. “Yours came back, though.” she mumbled as she continued to trudge along.

Rick swallowed hard, the words stinging. He knew how blessed he was to have Kieren back, and that not many people had that second chance he had found. Hell, he didn’t deserve it, he was sure of that. All the second chances he had been given when Jem only had doors shut for her made him feel a fresh wave of guilt for things that he couldn’t help.

Jem, wanting to change the subject, took the opportunity to speak. “Do you ever get nightmares? ‘Bout what happened when you were in Afghanistan?” she asked him suddenly.

Rick considered for a moment how he could respond. Finally, he decided that honestly would be the best way. “Almost every single night.” he replied as they got to where he would board the train. “You get them about the rising?” he asked her in return. Jem nodded. “You ever get any help?”

She thought for a moment, then shook her head. “Never thought it was worth it. Not like that shit works, right?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “It’s helped me some, I guess. That’s where I’m heading, see my shrink.” he admitted.

“You have a shrink?”

“Yeah.” Rick told her. “Dad doesn’t know, else he wouldn’t let me go I’m sure. Laughed when the doctors suggested it.”

“Sorry.” Jem said, unsure what else to say.

“You didn’t do anything.” Rick shrugged as they watched a train roll in. “That’s mine. See you some other time?” he asked her. “Maybe next time you’ll come all the way with me?”

Jem gave no indication to answer the final question before waving. “See you around.” she told him.

\---

_Rick,_

_I’m so glad you wrote, don’t know why I didn’t think of sending Jem with something earlier. Maybe we can actually meet some time. In the den? I miss seeing you._

_I’ve been going a bit crazy here. Jem’s always off running with those HVF people like your dad and Gary. Of all people she could be friends with, she picked the two people who hate me most in the village. Figures. She’s still a good sister, in the end I figure. My parents have to keep up the charade that nothing’s changed too, so they are gone a lot of the time too. I just need someone to entertain me I guess. I know you can’t really get away from your dad though._

_Dad’s been trying to get me to watch all the movies I missed with him I think. Wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t pick shit movies. I will admit though, I did love the Harry Potter films, but two criticisms, the book was better, and they shouldn’t’ve cut Teddy Lupin out of the last one._

_Oh, why am I telling you this? You are somehow the only person who has never seen or read Harry Potter. You need to get out more, Rick._

_My parents got me some new sketchpads at least. Felt wrong thinking of drawing in the old ones. Jem tried to tell me it’s just because I know when I’m famous that it’ll be important to have premortem and postmortem works separated. She seems to be like you, thinking my stuff is good enough for that. I’m flattered, but I guess I don’t know._

_Maybe you could give me ideas of what to draw or paint? I feel like I can only draw so many things, like my mind is still foggy and can’t be terribly creative again yet. Maybe I’m just having artist’s block._

_I miss you. You’ll stop by some time, won’t you? I’ll make you something if you want._

_-Ren xx_

_P.S. A little birdy told me that you lost my drawing... So here’s another wren. Sorry if it’s lame. ___

_\---_

__Mr. Kieren Walker._ _

__I am very excited about your interest in our art college. While I cannot guarantee anything given the circumstances, the admissions board is willing to review your 2009 acceptance and consider readmitting you._ _

__I must warn you that it may be difficult, given the circumstances of your failed enrollment. I will personally vouch for you as I argue your case to the board. In the mean time, I would suggest creating a new portfolio of recent works, if you are given the chance to reapply._ _

__Thank you for your interest and your questions. I hope to hear from you again._ _

__Best of luck!_ _

__Ella Clayworth  
Admissions Representative ____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry i took longer than usual to update! I've just been busy a lot and have hit a bit of a writers block but I'm trying to push through. It's just taking longer than usual to flesh out what I'm thinking into coherent thoughts. Also this became a lot more Rick and Jem centric than intended originally, but they are one of my brotps so I couldn't resist.
> 
> And no, i couldn't resist kieren (played by Luke Newberry) being disappointed in Teddy Lupin (also played by Luke Newberry) being excluded from HPatDH pt2 because Luke-ception. I'm lame, I know. 
> 
> Thank you all for reading! Not too many chapters left of this one!


	12. Out With It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning, there is some homophobic language/slurs in this chapter

Kieren had a nagging feeling in his gut, a sort of guilt, he supposed, for the letter he had just opened. He should have been ecstatic, but there was a guilt deep down somewhere too. He had only just gotten back to Roarton. Sure, he would have until the following August until he would probably be able to start, but he wasn’t sure he could leave his family again so soon. He didn’t know if he could leave Rick.

Rick had been his strongest supporter when they were in high school though. Jem was a close second. He didn’t want to leave either of them so soon, but he didn’t know how he could pass up the opportunity.

He spent a good deal of time chewing his lip, staring at the letter in his hands. He hadn’t told anyone that he had even sent out a letter of interest to see if his acceptance was still valid despite his death to the art school that he had been planning to attend before...

When he had been alive, he would always default to one of two things when he was trying to make a difficult decision. Neither would work now. He couldn’t feel pain, nor could he eat or drink. He found himself pacing, still worrying at his lip as he ran through the possibilities.

Jem looked like she actually had a life here. Sure, he still hated Bill Macy, but he could look past it if his sister was happy. He didn’t know if she was, but she was old enough now to make her own choice. Somehow, his baby sister had caught up to him in age, and nearly in height as well. She could choose for herself what she wanted. If she wanted to stay in Roarton, sobeit.

Rick on the other hand... Rick was older than Kieren when they were both alive, not by much, but by a few months, and now the gap was even more. Sure, Kieren would still consider himself Rick’s age, but technically, he was stuck at 18, and for all they knew, he would be forever. Still, he felt responsible for Rick. He wanted out of Roarton, Kieren knew he did. But one thing he wanted, maybe even more than that, was his father’s approval.

Kieren knew that all Rick wanted was to feel loved by his father. There was nothing that astounded him more than the fact that Bill Macy somehow found something wrong with his son, who to Kieren was as perfect as anyone could be. He was kind, gentle hearted, funny, passionate, powerful, and always saw the good in people. Maybe that was why he couldn’t see what was wrong with his dad. He saw the ideals of him, not his true self.

_Come with me! ___he wanted to urge Rick. Maybe he would tell him, but he worried that he would be rejected. He didn’t know if he could handle Rick saying that he had to stay in Roarton for whatever god forsaken reason, and he didn’t know if he could handle life away from him either.

Kieren was thrust from his thoughts when he turned his heel to nearly run into his mother. “What’s got you worried, love?” she asked him, recognizing his pacing as a sign of his nerves. She had come upstairs to let him know they were home. 

Kieren shook his head, not wanting to worry his mum. She had been so happy to have him home. He couldn’t crush her and tell her after such a short time home, he had already started talking to someone about potentially leaving. 

She let herself the rest of the way into his room, shutting the door behind her. “Was surprised to see you up here alone.” she commented. She had been thinking, or maybe hoping, that Rick stopped by when they were out, knowing he was still a bit embarrassed. She couldn’t blame him, with a father like his. 

Kieren shrugged. “His dad’s really strict, not sure how often we’ll really get to see each other.” Kieren told her, going to sit on his bed. “Jem brings letters back and forth though, so we can still talk a bit.” he added as she sat next to him. 

“Did Rick say something to get you pacing like this?” Sue asked him softly. She was worried about her son being in a secret relationship again, after what happened last time between the two of them, but Kieren shook his head. “Then what is it?” 

Kieren bit his lip before standing to grab the letter from his desk on top of the clutter of papers and art supplies. He handed the letter to his mother, his pacing beginning again as she scanned over its contents. 

Sue looked at her son, her expression a mix between shock and what Kieren hoped was happiness. “They’ll still have you?” she asked him. 

“I think so, yeah.” Kieren told her, mouth twitching into a small one sided smile. 

Sue smiled proudly, wrapping her son in a tight embrace. “I am so proud of you, Kieren.” she told him, tears threatening in her eyes, just like the first time she read a letter from the school telling her that her son had been accepted. An almost acceptance was still just as good. She knew he wasn’t safe in Roarton, and as much as she didn’t want to say goodbye again, this time would be the ordinarily temporary kind. 

“I don’t know if I’m going, mum. I just... I wanted to know.” Kieren told her. “It’s just like last time...” he sighed deeply, still seeking his mother’s comfort. “I don’t want to leave Jem again... Leave you and dad again...” he said, his voice breaking as if he would start crying though his tear ducts had stopped functioning like his other organs. 

Sue reached out, cupping her son’s face with one hand as she grabbed his hand with her other. “Kier, we don’t want you to leave us again either, but it’s going to happen some time, love. You’ve been dreaming of going here since you were so young...” she told him. Kieren nodded, seemingly half convinced. “Take him with you.” she added in a soft voice, knowing her son’s worry. 

Kieren nodded, an emotional smile creeping onto his face. “Thanks mum.” he whispered into her hair as he hugged her again. 

“Of course, Kier.” she responded, only glad to be able to hold her son again. 

\--- 

Jem Walker had been spending a lot of time with his son, but Bill Macy didn’t mind. It was better he was with her than thinking about her brother. God, how he hated that his son still thought of that disgrace of a human being in any way, much less fondly. He suspected that he and Jem had first started talking because he had probably went to pay his respects to the family. He sometimes hated that his son was the kind of person who would apologize for a years old death. 

Jem was a good girl, but Bill was just glad she was a girl. For a while, he had feared that that Walker boy had rubbed off on his son and turned him into a fairy like him. He hated that boy so much for ever being near his son. He could hardly stand thinking his name, much less hearing it. 

Still, Jem seemed to be the only Walker on Rick’s mind. They had gone into town together again today, something they seemed to be making a weekly habit of now. She had joined them for a few beers and a game on the telly before they went to her house for dinner the previous day. He had only smiled as his son snuck in late, nearly one in the morning when the door opened. 

Now though, they were gone, and Bill was trying to have a beer of his own to rewind. He was unsure how, but he seemed to have misplaced his bottle opener. He frowned, looking around a bit. He usually didn’t even get the kind you had to use an opener for, usually just bought the cans, but he had wanted to get Rick the nicer brew that only came in the bottles. Not that he had been appreciative. Hardly seemed to want to have a beer with his old man anymore. 

After some angry muttering and cursing that wasn’t quite under his breath, he tried to think of somewhere else he might find one. After thinking for a moment, he realized Rick had one, probably in one of his desk drawers. 

Bill moved to his son’s room, making a cursory glance at what was left out in the open. He opened the drawers, finding the medal Rick had earned but for some reason never wore, a stack of photographs of the men he served with along with some notes from them, and some pens and pencils, but not the opener. 

Scratching his head, he looked up, seeing it tucked away, half underneath a sheet of notebook paper. When he grabbed the instrument, the sheet fell off the desk, flipping in the air as it gently fluttered to the ground. 

Bill grunted, bending over to grab the sheet to put it back on the desk, but soon was intrigued by the writing on it. It was his house, so he figured he could read anything that was left there. It was only fair. 

_Rick,_

_Thanks for coming over last night. It was really nice to spend more time with you. I really do miss you when you can’t come over. Thank god for letters, right?_

_Anyways, I need to tell you something. I’m too much of a coward to tell you in person, so I’ll write it down. I just hope you won’t be mad at me._

_I’m not accepted yet, but there’s a chance that I’m going to actually be going to school next year, close to London. I have some friends down around there, so I should be fine. Still, maybe you could come with me? I know you’ve always been more loyal to Roarton than I have, but maybe a change of scenery would be good. For both of us._

_We can talk about this next time we see each other, yeah? I just had to warn you so you could think about it before we meet up. I promise if I do leave though, I’m not leaving you. I love you too much for that. ___

Bill raised his eyebrows at the letter, honestly a bit surprised by it. He knew his Rick had it in him to woo some girl, evidently Jem was the one. He didn’t understand the small bird drawn where most people would sign a name though, but had a decent guess that the x after it was for a kiss. 

“See you, Jem, take care.” Bill heard his son’s voice call out as he opened the door to the house. “Mum? Dad? I’m home...” Rick called out, sounding confused as to why he was seeing an apparently empty house. 

Bill kept the letter in hand as he walked to meet his son in the kitchen. He set the note on the counter as he opened the beer he still held in his hand. “Your mum’s working on something with the ladies from the parish.” he told him before taking a sip of the beer. 

“What d’you got there?” Rick asked, noting the sheet of paper. His stomach suddenly clenched as he realized that it was one of Ren’s letters. His dad had found a letter from Ren. Rick focused all his conscious attention on not throwing up. 

Bill lifted it up with a smile. “Pretty serious pretty fast, aren’t you son?” he proudly clapped his son on the back. Rick only laughed uneasily, nodding. “So, she off to university in the fall? Or did you talk some sense into her and convince her to stay in Roarton?” he asked him. 

Rick was still recovering from his freak out, so only shrugged. “Don’t know.” was all he could manage to spit out. 

Bill kept asking him things about her; did he think they had a future together? Would he follow her to university? Did he think she was the one? Rick just kept breathing heavily, looking downwards, trying to act embarrassed when really all he felt was a searing guilt for not telling the truth, for putting Jem in that position... For hiding Ren again. 

“Going to make an honest woman of her? Or have you already?” Bill teased, nudging his red-faced son. 

Rick took a deep, shaking breath. “Shut up.” he whispered, the stress of what he was feeling clear in the words he spoke. “Stop talking about Jem like that.” he told him. 

“Ah, come on, just having some fun with you.” Bill responded. “Never had a girlfriend long enough before for me to bust your chops about, that’s all.” 

“She’s not my girlfriend.” Rick told him, somehow managing to sound calm as he spoke. 

Bill only laughed, “Like hell she isn’t, who else would have wrote you this note?” 

“Obvious, isn’t it, dad?” Rick asked him, grabbing the letter. “Think, just really think for a minute about who would write me this.” he demanded, showing it to his father again before tucking the letter into his jacket. Bill only stared at him questioningly. “Come on, tell me who you think it is! Who you know it is!” he almost taunted. 

“Vicky?” Bill asked, wanting to keep the illusion going. Or maybe he really did think that Rick’s brief teen romance had continued upon his return to Roarton. He was pretty sure Vicky was already at university in Ireland though. 

“Can’t even admit it to yourself, can you?” Rick asked him incredulously. “You know who it’s from!” he insisted. When Bill remained silent, his voice dropped volume. “Can’t say it, can you? Can’t even say his name?” 

“Rick-” 

“You couldn’t even tell me about the fucking rising? Let me think he was dead? Do you hate me that much?” Rick demanded, a pained look on his face as he yelled. 

“He was your boyhood mate, nothing else, shouldn’t’ve been any concern. Hadn’t seen each other since you were 14 for Christ’s sake!” Bill came back. “I should have known that that poof would still try to corrupt you...” 

Rick’s jaw clenched. “Hadn’t seen him since we were 14? You know how many nights I snuck out when you were too drunk to notice to see him? How many times we’d ditch school to spend time together?” Rick shook his head. “How many times he was in my dreams once you sent me off to fight that god forsaken war? How many times I’ve seen him since I got back?” 

Bill shook his head, jaw clenched. “Don’t say that.” 

“Do you know how many times I’ve _fucked_ him? Or how much I fucking _love_ him?” he shouted, trying to cause his father’s rage to show. “Why can’t you just fucking accept it?” he almost sobbed once the other strong emotions coursing through his veins cut in. "Why can't you just accept me?" he asked in a whisper that was lost on his father, but was met with a stray tear rolling down his cheek. 

“Accept what? That some bloody fagot made my son think that he’s like him?” Bill spat. 

“That I’m gay! I’m fucking gay!” Rick screamed in his father’s face. He recomposed himself somehow, speaking in an even tone, voice threatening to break, but managing to hold on. “If Ren’s a fagot, dad, then so am I.” 

\--- 

It was strange, how normal their family dinners were starting to feel. Jem and Kieren had restored their relationship, something their parents were eternally grateful for. They weren’t as close as they once were, but they were closer than when Kieren first got home, and that’s what mattered. 

Kieren and Jem were in a discussion about some band that they listened to, Jem telling Kieren all about the concert that she had went to with one of her friend while he was... away... when there was a knock on the door. Everyone at the table looked at each other, trying to figure out who the surprise visitor was for. 

Eventually, Jem stood, opening the door, Kieren close behind her. 

“My dad kicked me out.” Rick stated as if he was making a simple observation, his voice revealing no emotion as the Walker siblings’ faces each dropped. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as always for the read! There should be about 2 or maybe 3 chapters left in this one. Hope you're all as excited for the end as me!


	13. Comfort

Kieren had never seen Rick cry, at least not like this. Earlier he had been fine. He had told the Walkers so stoically that his father had kicked him out because he told him something he didn’t want to hear. He had even managed a small smile when Steve insisted that his offer to try to find somewhere else to stay that he would just stay with them for however long he needed to.

He had complimented the potatoes that Sue had dished up for him, still so used to cooking for four that she was able to give Rick good sized portions of the dinner when she discovered he hadn’t eaten yet. He did everything just as Kieren would have expected him to do.

The only thing that had seemed slightly off had been Rick’s reaction to Kieren. As soon as the words left his mouth, Kieren had pulled him into his arms, intending to comfort him. Rick hadn’t truly flinched away from the contact, but had gone stiff when the coolness of Kieren’s skin brushed against his own. He hadn’t returned the hug as warmly as he usually would have, but Kieren had attributed that to the fact that his entire family was around.

Now, it was well past midnight, and after they said their goodnights to Jem, them had gone back to Kieren’s room. They were again sharing Kieren’s small bed. Rick had offered to take the ground, like he always did, but Kieren refused him.

Kieren had never seen Rick try to make himself small. He had always been big, strong, tough Rick who may have had a heart of gold, but looked like he could take anyone, given the chance. Now, however, he was in a ball on his side, with his back to Kieren.

Kieren had been confused at first why Rick wouldn’t even face him, but chalked it off as him needing space after the stressful day he had obviously had. He had begrudgingly rolled over, satisfied with the pressure he could sense of Rick’s back against his own.

Rick had waited for an hour after Kieren had shut the lights off, hoping the other would be asleep. He didn’t realize how much worse Kieren’s sleeping habits had gotten since his death, so assumed he would be fast asleep by then. He finally let it out.

Kieren heard it first, before he realized he could mutedly feel the shaking of Rick’s back as he sobbed, quiet gaspings of air the only thing that had initially alerted Kieren to the pain Rick was feeling. 

If he had wanted to wait for Kieren to not hear him crying, Kieren thought maybe he should pretend not to hear it. It would be the polite thing to do, wouldn’t it? Rick had always been embarrassed about showing that kind of emotion around people, hell, Kieren didn’t remember seeing a single tear fall from Rick’s face at his own grandfather’s funeral when they were thirteen because Rick Macy didn’t cry in front of people.

The crying continued, on and on as Kieren listened, conflicted. All he wanted to do was take all the pain Rick was feeling and take it all away from him. He would feel all the pain in the world just to see Rick happy.

Knowing that he couldn’t simply flick a switch and ease his pain, Kieren finally rolled onto his other side, facing Rick. Rick’s crying stopped momentarily, as if he wasn’t sure if he would wake Kieren up from the new sleeping position or not if he continued.

“It’s alright... Let it out.” Kieren whispered, pressing his cool lips behind Rick’s ear. His arms wrapped around Rick’s waist, pulling himself all the way up against his back as he cuddled into him. “I’m right here, Rick.” he promised.

Rick sniffed, trying to compose himself enough to speak. “How are you so lucky, Ren?” he asked, still with his back to him.

Kieren leaned a bit around him, trying to look at his face in the dim light. His eyebrows were creased, trying to understand what he could have meant by that comment. “What do you mean, that I’m lucky? How?” Kieren asked him.

Rick shrugged Kieren off before rolling over to actually face him. Even in the low light, Kieren could easily tell how pained Rick’s face was, his eyes puffy and red. “You’ve got a family, Ren. One that loves you, and supports you, doesn’t give a fuck that you’re not straight. Ren, youre parents would do anything for you. Mine? My dad kicked me out and my mum can’t stand up to him...” A few fresh tears rolled down his face. “Sorry... I just... You don’t know how lucky you are, Ren.”

He wanted to protest, but knew that now wasn’t the time. Now, Rick needed him behind him one hundred percent. “You’re part of it too, far as we’re all concerned. You don’t have to be alone, Rick. I’m right here, and I will be, as long as you want me to be.” Kieren promised.

Rick smiled through the tears as he nodded in acknowledgement of Kieren’s proposal. When Kieren softly returned it, he kept crying, unable to stop no matter how he tried. “Thank you...” he whispered into Kieren’s chest after he pulled him up against him, the way Rick usually held Kieren, though the roles were reversed this time. Now Rick needed the comforter, the protector, and Kieren would do anything to be that for him.

“You’re welcome.” Kieren replied, kissing the hair that would have been tickling his nose if his nerves would register the soft of contact. He ran a hand through Rick’s hair, still cut short enough to be military issue, but nearly pushing the limit for length.

As Kieren’s hands continually ran through Rick’s hair, the hard sobs faded into slight shaking, to silent tears, and eventually, no more moisture fell from Rick’s eyes. Rick moved his head up to be next to Kieren’s head on the pillow, looking at him gratefully.

“Sorry to be such a bother.” Rick told him eventually. “I didn’t have anywhere else to go. And really, there’s no place I’d rather be.”

Kieren smiled as he reached out, gently touching Rick’s cheek. He moved his thumb over where a tear had stayed on his cheek, brushing it aside before gently pressing his lips to Rick’s.

The kiss was different than any of the others they had shared. It was slow, sweet, and gentle, and Kieren still tasted like the mint toothpaste he used. There was no urgency behind the kiss like so many of the others they had shared had. Instead, it was just slow, simple, comfort that Kieren offered to Rick, knowing that words would fail him.

After drawing away from the kiss, Rick sighed softly, his head right next to Kieren’s on the pillow, their foreheads tilted and pressed together. Kieren gave him a shy smile, one Rick returned, still cherishing the cool press of Kieren’s hand on his cheek.

“I love you.” Kieren breathed.

“I love you, too.” Rick replied, leaning in to lightly brush his lips against Kieren’s for a brief goodnight kiss. When he pulled back, though, it looked like something had dawned on him. “I love you.” he repeated, slowly starting to get up from the bed. “Fuck what my dad says... I love you, Ren, and I’d give up anything to be with you, because I love you. I love you and there’s nothing he can do about it.” he finished, getting all the way up.

Kieren was about to question when he was doing, until Rick opened the window. “You hear that, dad? Fuck you, you can’t control me anymore!” he shouted down to the empty street below. Kieren stayed in the bed, looking at him with a smile on his face. “I love Ren, and there’s nothing you can do about it!” Rick finished, breathing heavily. When he turned, Kieren saw tears again glistening in his eyes. “Why does he hate me, Ren?” he asked, his moment of courageousness suddenly replaced by a soft spoken and timid sounding Rick, reminiscent of a small child rather than a grown man.

“Come here...” Kieren told him gently, motioning for him to come back to the bed where Kieren was now sitting up. He wrapped him in a tight hug as Rick cried on his shoulder again.

“What did I ever do to him?” Rick asked as the tears kept coming. “I’ve done everything he asked as best I could, but he still hates me for something I can’t help... I can’t help that I’m gay, Ren... I just can’t.” Rick told him, his voice shaking.

Kieren kissed his forehead, knowing that if he could cry, his own tears would be mingling with Rick’s. “I don’t know, Rick. He has no right, I promise.” Kieren told him. “And you’re right, Rick, you can’t help it, any more than I can, or anyone else. You can just look for people who are going to love and support you, and forget about assholes like him, yeah?” Kieren suggested. “I know it’s hard, ‘cause he’s your dad, but you deserve so much better, Rick.”

“Doesn’t feel like I do.” Rick replied sadly.

Kieren frowned, repositioning himself so Rick could be more comfortable leaned against him. “You don’t deserve to be treated like that Rick. No one does.”

A sigh escaped Rick’s lips. “I know.. I just...” he shook his head, unable to form any more words. Kieren understood.

“Ok.” he whispered quietly, leaning his cheek against Rick’s hair. He watched his slight movements, shifting to be more comfortable in his position curled against Kieren’s chest. Kieren was rubbing his back with one hand and holding one of Rick’s with his other when Rick cringed slightly, dropping Kieren’s hand to grab at his leg. “Alright?” Kieren asked, concerned.

Rick nodded. “Just feels weird sometimes.” he told his boyfriend, rubbing at area above the prosthetic.

“Rick,” Kieren began gently. “Aren’t you supposed to take it off for the night or anything?” he asked. He wasn’t terribly familiar with prosthesis, but he was sure it wasn’t exactly good for it.

Biting at his lip, Rick hung his head even more. “I don’t want you to see me like that...” Rick mumbled.

Kieren hooked his fingers under Rick’s chin. When Rick’s gaze finally met his, he spoke. “I promise you that it won’t bother me, Rick. It’s not good for you, can’t it cause problems?”

“Yeah but...” Rick began, embarrassed, “I don’t want you to see me... Broken... ‘Specially not after I fucking lost it tonight.”

Kieren kissed Rick’s temple, pulling him tighter to his chest before moving away and standing up. “I’ll be right back. You can take it off and get under the blanket if you really don’t want me to see, yeah?” he suggested.

“Ok.” Rick replied quietly, sitting towards the edge of the bed. He wasn’t sure where Ren was going, but he trusted him. He took a deep breath, taking off the artificial limb and slipping under the covers. Kieren was taking a while, so he closed his eyes for just a moment, the stress and emotions from the day wearing down on him as he suddenly realized he was exhausted.

He drifted off sometime before Kieren was back in the room, only to awake from his light drifting off to Kieren’ hovering slightly over him to shut off the lamp. He made a slight surprised noise as he noticed Kieren’s eyes. They hadn’t been quite the right brown before, but now they were white of all colors. Rick wasn’t so much horrified as he was surprised, but he was certain fear was showing more on his face. He reminded himself it was still Ren, that it didn’t matter that his eyes were suddenly white, and his skin nearly as pale...

A sad smile flashed upon Kieren’s face. “This is why I don’t care.” he told him, clicking off the lamp, leaving them in the dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will not be able to update until next weekend, but my goal is to finish this one by Monday the 19th! Thanks as always for the read, kudos and comments always appreciated, and I hope you all are still enjoying it!


	14. Mirrors

Rick woke up early, still in such a habit from the army that he couldn’t sleep much past sunrise. Kieren was wrapped around him tightly, still asleep. He kissed the pale skin of his forehead before slowly slipping from his arms, not wanting to disturb him.

As quietly as possible, he situated his prosthetic on his leg, moving it just a bit to make sure it was properly in place. He was still getting used to the process of putting it on.

Rick slipped into the bathroom, confused by the towel thrown over the mirror. Shrugging, he tossed it off before he splashed his face with water, rubbing his hands through the small stubble of his jaw and then through his hair. He took a few deep breaths, looking into the mirror to see the scars on the one side of his face. He covered them with a hand and smiled.

Shaking his head of those thoughts, a note caught his eye. “Rick: The red one is for you, anything else you need we’ll run to the store to get in the afternoon. Help yourself to whatever you need. -Steve and Sue” he muttered as he read Sue’s loopy handwriting. He didn’t deserve the Walkers.

He brushed his teeth and finished in the bathroom just in time to hear footsteps coming up the stairs. He took a step out of the bathroom to find Steve just reaching the top, smiling when he saw Rick.

“Least we’ve got one early riser in the house now. Was just coming to get everyone for breakfast.” he told him, turning for Jem’s room. “Jemima...” he called as he pushed her door open slightly.

Rick hovered in the hallway, not sure what to do. He wanted to let Kieren sleep, he couldn’t eat anyways, so what was the point of waking him?

“Say anything and I’ll kill you, dick head.” Jem warned grumpily as she stepped out of her room, moving towards Rick. She was rather disgruntled looking, bags under her eyes and hair in a mess on the top of her head.

Rick bit back a laugh. “Wasn’t planning on it...”

Jem rolled her eyes. “Shove off, arsehole.” she told him light heartedly, giving him a push away from the bathroom so she could slide in.

“Morning to you too, Jem.” Rick chuckled. “Hey, Mr. Walker, think Ren can sleep in a bit longer? We were up talking late and I don’t think he got much sleep. Can’t hurt, since he... Well, you know.” Rick asked after turning to Steve.

“He’s got to have his shot yet this morning, Rick.” Steve told him.

“I can bring it up to him.” Rick offered, still a bit in the way of getting to Kieren’s room.

Steve sighed, “Best he just comes down, the shots can be a bit tricky.”

“Yes, sir. I’ll go wake him, then.” Rick responded, giving in. He had never been much of one to argue with an authority figure, so him at all confronting Steve about waking Kieren had been hard enough for him to do.

Jem stepped out of the bathroom, tying her hair back and looking at her dad incredulously. “It’s not hard, for fucks sake, dad, let him sleep. Not like he’d be eating breakfast with us anyways.” Jem told him. She, unlike Rick, had never had an issue arguing with authority figures. Especially not her parents.

“Jemima...” Steve protested.

“It really isn’t that hard, love.” Sue called up from the bottom of the stairs where she was now peeking up. “Rick, come down, have some breakfast. We can give Kier his shot later.” she insisted, motioning for the three of them to join her.

Breakfast was a bit awkward. Rick kept catching Sue giving him sympathetic looks as he picked at the food on the plate in front of him. Steve kept clearing his throat to fill the silences, and Jem was nearly snoring as she ate the cereal in front of her, her face cupped in one hand and eyes only partially open.

When Rick excused himself to go back upstairs, Jem looked at her parents, unimpressed. “Why have I got to be up if Kier is still asleep?”

“Jem, it’s fine.” Sue told her daughter.

“I’m sure Rick kept him up late last night.” Steve added quietly, not realizing that Rick had turned back around, remembering that he had planned on giving Kieren his shot. Jem let out a snorting laugh, making Rick’s face flush a deep scarlet. “What’s so funny?” Steve asked looking at his wife who was visibly cringing.

Sue stood up, grabbing Rick’s arm. “It’s right over here, love.” she told him, grabbing the medicine. “Kier can tell you what to do, but if you don’t want to, just give me a holler, it’s no trouble.” Sue smiled at him warmly.

“Thanks Mrs...” Rick began, earning a look from her. “Thanks, Sue. I’ll be fine.” he assured her before taking his leave upstairs.

“I still don’t get what’s so funny..” Rick heard Steve declare as he reached the top of the steps. He shook his head, pushing open Kieren’s door.

Asleep, Rick couldn’t help but realize just how beautiful Kieren was. He had never seen him so at peace as he was then, curled in a small ball, a sleepy and content smile on his face. The light streaming in from the window glowed off of his hair, highlighting his eyelashes even more, as if they needed it. Rick smiled as he ran a gentle hand along Kieren’s forehead. He could get used to mornings like this.

“Ren...” he whispered softly, running a hand through his hair. Kieren let out a soft noise in his sleep, his face burying further into the pillow. Rick laughed quietly, rubbing Kieren’s back. “Come on, Ren, time to get up.”

Kieren groaned into the pillow. “Why? It’s early...” he complained.

Rick leaned down, kissing behind Kieren’s ear and in the usually sensitive spot. Kieren didn’t react at all. “Come on, got to get up some time...” he coaxed, nipping at the skin.

Kieren’s eyes flickered open as he turned his head towards Rick’s voice. “What are you doing?” he asked when he saw Rick’s face close to him.

“Sorry, I just thought...” Rick withdrew, the pain of rejection on his face.

Kieren looked at him confused. “I meant why were you just hovering there, not that you needed to leave...” he told his boyfriend, rolling onto his back. “Now come here and kiss me properly.”

A confused look passed over Rick’s face as he moved towards Kieren. “I was kissing you, dummy.” he smirked before pressing his lips to Kieren’s.

“No you weren’t...” Kieren protested once Rick pulled up for air. He tugged him down closer again, wanting Rick to kiss him harder so he could feel it, not just the light kissing that he could hardly tell was happening. There was nothing he hated more than his failing nerve cells. “Oh.” he muttered when the kiss broke up. “Forget sometimes... Can’t really feel a whole lot...”

Rick nodded. “Least your shot can’t hurt much, then, yeah?” he asked, holding up the medicine. “I asked your parents if I could let you sleep since I kept you up so late and give you your shot instead.”

“That thing still hurts like shit.” Kieren grumbled, sitting up. He pulled his shirt back, exposing the black hole on the top of his back. “Just... Right there and press the trigger...” Kieren told him.

“Sorry...” Rick muttered into Kieren’s hair before doing as Kieren said.

The shaking scared Rick. He was certain he did something wrong. He had done something to put Ren in danger. He couldn’t live with himself if something happened.

Instinct told him to try to stop the convulsions. He laid Kieren down, pressing his hands against his shoulders and pinning his lower body down as best he could. His breathing was shaking as he watched them slowly fade. When Kieren took a sharp inhale of breath, pin prick eyes wide with terror, Rick pulled him into a tight hug.

“Christ, Ren, you scared me...” Rick breathed, stroking Kieren’s hair as he held him against his chest.

“I’m alright... Just... A side effect.” Kieren told him, out of breath. He was shaken from the vivid images he had seen in the flashback that so often accompanied his injection, but didn’t think he should trouble Rick with that.

“Are you sure?” Rick asked him, cupping his face in front of his own to look him in the eye. When Kieren nodded, Rick leaned in and kissed him, relieved. “What?” Rick chuckled when he pulled away to see Kieren smiling shyly.

“I just love you.” Kieren told him. “Thank you for doing that.”

“Well, I love you too, Kieren Walker.” Rick told him. “And thank you for putting up with me.”

Kieren smiled at him. “Think I could paint a bit? I wouldn’t bore you too much, would I?” he asked, eyes flickering towards the easel he had set up in the corner. Rick motioned him towards it, loving to watch Kieren work on his art. “Could I maybe paint you? Would that be weird?”

Rick’s eyes lit up as he nodded to him. “Course you can, Ren, I’d be honored.” He told him. “You’ll be ruining your work with my ugly mug though.” he chuckled.

Kieren smiled, kissing him quickly. “Risk I’m willing to take.” he teased. “Be right back.” he told him, heading for the bathroom to get water for his brushes.

An unnecessary breath caught in his throat when he walked into the mirror. He felt bile rise in his throat as he was met with the reflection of a monster. He shut his eyes quickly, fumbling around to grab a towel to cover the mirror with until he could hide the ghastly flesh and grotesque eyes. How Rick had looked at him for so long like that, Kieren did not know. He couldn’t look at himself for a minute like that, much less to touch him and kiss him like Rick had.

Once the mirror was covered, he found his contacts, hand shaking slightly as he moved to put them in. “Shit...” he swore as one of the brown lenses fell to the floor. He quickly retrieved it, putting it into his eye before grabbing the mousse for his face. Putting a generous amount on his face, he began spreading it thickly to cover the flesh he was so ashamed of.

His spine prickled, sensing that there was someone standing near him. His eyes moved to meet Rick’s as he leaned against the doorway. “Sorry, I’ll just be a minute...” Kieren told him. A blush would have risen on his face if he could have blushed.

Rick shook his head. “No, just heard you swear, wasn’t sure if something was wrong.” he told him, reaching out towards Kieren’s face and wiping a thick glob of the too orange makeup from his jawline that Kieren hadn’t noticed. “So you put the towel on the mirror then?” Rick asked, rinsing it from his finger.

“Wouldn’t you, if you looked like I do?” Kieren asked him.

Rick shook his head. “Nothing wrong with the way you look, Ren.”

“I look like a monster, Rick.” Kieren told him exasperated. “I’m not even human, I’m disgusting, I’m hideous, I can’t even look at myself... I killed people, Rick. I killed people and I... I...” Kieren shook with sobs as he pounded his fist against the mirror, his forehead resting against the towel. 

His fist kept beating against Rick’s chest as he pulled him in tightly. “Shhh, it’s alright, Ren, it’s alright...” Rick soothed, rocking him slowly back and forth.

“I can’t stay here, Rick, I can’t fucking stay here.” Kieren told him, burying his face into Rick’s only hoodie, inevitably staining it with the none too dry cover up on his face.

“Then we won’t, Ren. We won’t stay here.” Rick told him, knowing the ghosts of Roarton had haunted both of them for long enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to say for sure that this is the second to last chapter because I haven't finished the last one yet, but I will say that this is probably the second to last chapter, unless the other one gets to be too long. I hope you've all enjoyed it so far and are looking forward to the last bit! Thanks for reading as always!


	15. Afternoon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lame chapter name, my apologies. I got home from basketball and finished the chapter but couldn't think of a good name. Might change it some other time, but I don't know. No promises.

Colors were the hardest part of painting, Kieren always felt. Anyone could add texture to a piece or even more simply, the lines, but the colors were what made the piece. That’s where the emotions were, what drew people in and kept them there. Anyone could paint the colors that are there. He wanted to paint the colors that were in his heart.

Before his death, he usually painted Rick dark and somber. Now, he wanted to paint him the way he wanted him to feel. Warm, happy, full of life. He chose a warmer palette, then began the familiar curve of his jaw. He squinted, looking at Rick’s face, his features having changed slightly with age.

As Kieren stared intently, suddenly there were laughter lines crinkling the sides of his eyes as Rick began to laugh. As he laughed more heartily, Kieren broke into a smirk. “Stop moving!” He scolded when Rick fell to his side on the bed. “What’s so bloody funny?”

Rick sat up, shaking his head. “Nothing... You just...” He laughed again before imitating Kieren. Most prominent was his tongue hanging off to one side.

Kieren rolled his eyes. “I don’t look like that.” he crossed his arms, huffily.

“Sort of do.” Rick contested. He looked down for a moment, fixing his shirt which had ridden up a bit, before he felt something cold drip onto his face. “Dick!” he called out, seeing the brown paint Kieren had flung from his brush in his general direction.

“No, I think it really improves the effect, highlights what a shit you are, really.” Kieren teased when he began wiping at it.

“Fuck off...” Rick laughed, flicking some of it back in Kieren’s direction.

Kieren yelped in surprise before scooping some of the red paint and tossing it towards Rick. Not caring if the room got covered in paint, he flung a bit of yellow as well. It wasn’t as if the entire room didn’t already have small bits of paint throughout it. The bright color hit Rick right in the face, a streak of yellow going from his right eyebrow to the left corner of his mouth, with splatters throughout most of his face.

“See, now you’re asking for it.” Rick told him, standing up. Kieren laughed, shrinking down into the corner, covering his face. “Come on, Ren, just want a kiss...” Rick laughed, pulling him up and moving towards him more, lips puckered in an exaggerated manner.

Kieren was laughing harder than he had for a long time. He was practically giddy, something he never expected to feel again. Not for the first time, he regretted what he had done to himself; what he had done to his family and Rick. As Rick pressed his paint covered mouth to Kieren’s cheek, he wished he could feel the slimy paint and the scratch of the small hairs on Rick’s jaw. He wished he could feel the way Rick was suddenly kissing him, gently and yet fiercely all at once, the way he put so much love into the gesture that even his unbeating heart swelled.

“Got a little something...” Kieren smirked when Rick pulled away from the kiss. He motioned to most of his face, laughing at the way Rick rolled his eyes. “Ok, come here...” Kieren laughed, sympathetically, grabbing the rag he kept nearby as he painted and dampened it slightly. As he reached up to wipe away some of the paint, the door opened.

Steve was smiling as he pushed the door open, but quickly found himself coughing at the site in front of him, not so much disapproving as shocked. There his son was, his mouth and face covered with paint. Paint that was the same color as the smeared paint on Rick’s face. He regained his composure when he realized Rick was clearly more embarrassed than he was, and Kieren was simply staring wide eyed, as if ignoring it hard enough would make him not notice.

Steve held up the letter he had initially brought up to give to Kieren. “You got a letter... Looks official.” he commented. “Your mum wants you to open it down stairs so she can know right away. Maybe want to... Tidy up a bit first.” Steve smiled awkwardly before setting it down for Kieren to grab later.

“Yeah, be down in just a bit.” Kieren told him. Rick cocked his head and raised an eyebrow to question him. “From the art school... I applied, that’s probably their response.” he told him.

“Ren, that’s fantastic!” Rick exclaimed. Kieren shrugged, biting his lip to stop a smile. He was trying not to get his own hopes up. “Ren, that could be your ticket out of here.” Rick told him.

Kieren’s eyes flashed up to Rick’s. “Our ticket out...?” he asked, hopefully.

A huge grin spread across Rick’s face. “Our ticket out.” he agreed.

\---

Janet was on autopilot most of the day. Bill had kicked Rick out. He wouldn’t even tell her why, what he had done. Just said that Rick had never lived there. Of course he had lived there... All of his things were still in his room, just as he left them.

She kept spacing out, only hearing half of what he was telling her. She couldn’t wrap her mind around it. He had been back such a short time, and she couldn’t remember a single thing he had done wrong, especially not something that would warrant his own father kicking him out. Unless...

Kieren Walker had been one of the people who died in 2009. Could he be back? Bill had said that there were ‘walking corpses’ among them, or whatever he had called them. Could Kieren be one of them? It would explain Rick being out all the time, just like when he was a kid.

Rick thought he had been so sneaky in his teenage years, waiting until his parents were ‘asleep’ to go out somewhere, then come back hours later, stinking up the whole house with the smell of smoke and not being nearly as quiet after having a bit to drink. Janet had always known he was going somewhere with Kieren. She couldn’t even say she minded. Kieren was a good boy, and Bill had no right to stop Rick from spending time with him just because of a silly CD. She was only glad that her husband was a much heavier sleeper than she was.

She knew too that Rick had feelings beyond just friendship for ‘Ren’ as he so fondly called him. She had been hesitant of it, at first, not knowing how to feel about it, but in the end, wanted her handsome man happy. If his best mate made him happy in ways that girls usually made a boy like him happy, then sobeit. She loved him no matter what.

If only she could have said the same thing about Bill. He had always been so senselessly afraid of his son not being man enough. Rick was so young when Bill started teaching him all the crude points of Bill’s skewed perception of manhood. Rick never had a chance to see what other men, better men, were like. Janet hated that. She figured it was her fault, letting him be raised in a house with Bill. She didn’t think she had any other choice, however.

And now her son was somewhere she didn’t know, without any of his possessions. She only prayed that he had found someone to stay with. In spite of Bill, she hoped it was at the Walker house, right in Kieren’s arms.

“I’m off to the Legion!” Bill called out, grabbing his coat and leaving only the sound of the slamming door behind him. 

Janet hardly even reacted until she grabbed the phone. She still had Sue’s number memorized from the nights they had cried together over their sons once their husbands were asleep. At least Steve would have understood Sue’s distress. Bill acted as if nothing had happened, like their son’s life hadn’t been hanging on by the thinnest of threads. She figured she was lucky though too. Her son still had a chance to live.

It rang three times before a familiar voice picked up the line with a chipper greeting. Janet sighed in relief, knowing that she would be understood by the other woman. “Sue, is Rick by your place?”

\---

“That’s fucking brilliant, Ren!” Rick exclaimed when Kieren turned the canvas around to reveal the work. It was like looking in a mirror of sorts, but better. If that painting was how Kieren saw him, that’s all Rick needed to know. Everything would be ok if Ren saw something that could be as brilliant as one of his canvases in him.

Kieren smiled, wiping his hands on his jeans, leaving streaks of paint behind. “Thanks.” Kieren laughed happily, admiring his own work. It had been a brilliant afternoon, reading his acceptance letter, then going back upstairs to make plans with Rick for the future as he contently painted him.

“Look like Rudolph though...” Rick pointed out. Kieren frowned, looking closer at the painting. Rick laughed, “Not the painting, you!”

Kieren scrunched his nose, not seeing the red splatter that had somehow gotten there. “Whatever, dick.” he laughed before walking to wear Rick sat. He sat on the bed, his butt on one side of Rick’s legs, his own legs draped over Rick’s lap. He kissed him deeply, something he had wanted to do since Rick’s mention of getting a flat together and decorating it with all of Kieren’s works. “You’re right, did have some red on my face.” he smirked, rubbing the paint that had transferred to Rick’s face around to make the spot bigger.

Rick scrunched his nose laughing when he heard an engine. A familiar one. The engine that could mean only one thing: Bill Macy had come.

The laughter was wiped away from both of their expressions. Rick swore, looking around frantically, not knowing what to do. Kieren glanced out the window, a look of equal fear on his face at the prospect of Rick’s father showing up at his house. He closed the curtain, wishing he could swallow the lump in his throat as he looked at Rick helplessly.

Rick was trembling by the time they both heard a knock on the door downstairs. Jem called out to her parents that she would answer it after the knocking occurred a few times with no one answering it. Kieren’s heart dropped. He trusted Jem, but she had trusted Bill lately as well. He was terrified to know who she was more loyal to; Bill Macy or her dead brother?

He took Rick’s hand, squeezing it and knowing that Rick was doing the same, just as hard if not harder. There were more noises from downstairs. Yelling. Jem, to be specific. She was throwing out a brand of swear words that even Kieren hadn’t taught her with all the heavy metal CDs he had made her.

Steve’s voice joined in the yelling, followed by Sue’s. Kieren couldn’t quite understand what they were saying, but he heard bits and pieces. “No right!” Steve accused as Sue yelled “Our home...”. Jem had seemingly been sent off away from the source of the scuffle.

They heard noisy footsteps coming up the stairs. Rick flinched when the door opened, but it was only Jem who stood there, letting herself in. “In the closet, now. And I don’t mean fucking figuratively. I mean you need to hide.” she told the both of them, ushering them into the small space.

Rick was ghastly white as he complied, doing his best to shrink in behind some of Kieren’s clothes. Kieren joined him there, pressed tightly against his chest. “I’m sorry...” Jem told him, shutting the door. She knew that Kieren never fared well in dark, cramped places. She only hoped that Rick would provide enough comfort simply by being there so he wouldn’t have an anxiety attack as he used to when they were younger.

“Shit, the painting... Fuck, Kier I’m sorry I’m not trying to ruin it but it’s got to go under the bed.” she told him, carefully lifting the drying canvas and slowly sliding it under Kieren’s mattress. “Be back when the coast is clear, promise.” she whispered before letting herself out of Kieren’s room and to her own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was sort of all over the place... No worries, the next (and final!) chapter will pull all of this stuff together (if I do my job correctly). Thanks as always for the read!


	16. Handsome Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, the final chapter of this one! Before you read it I'd like to thank all of you for reading this, you are all fantastic and I love you all a lot because I never would have had the motivation to write this much if it weren't for all your kind words and support. There will be more to come, I promise! I hope you all enjoy!

Janet was holding a duffel bag with as much of Rick’s things as she could hold for the walk over to the Walker’s. It was strange, that Bill had taken their vehicle to the legion, but she didn’t think much of it. She hoped that she would have time to take some more of Rick’s things to him later, but for now, this would have to do. It was probably a good thing, because Bill wouldn’t notice that just a few things were gone if he ever checked Rick’s room.

It wasn’t the unimportant things that Janey packed for her sons. None of his trophies were there, hell, she almost left the medal he earned in the war there, but knew he’d be expected to wear it if he were ever to wear his uniform for formal events. The clothes were important, but less important than the things to care for his prosthetic and the pills the doctors had given him to help with the nightmares and flashbacks he’d still get.

Some things she packed were less important immediately. Her eyes had caught on the corner of that half naked woman Bill had hung in his room where it was sticking out weird. Curious, she had gone over, lifting it only to have papers upon papers of letters and drawings fall onto Rick’s bed. She knew they could only be from one person, and she knew how much he meant to Rick. She carefully tucked them in the duffel bag as well.

Shirley Wilson called out to her as she walked passed where she had been working on her flowers. “Oh, hi Shirl.” Janet smiled at the other woman, turning more towards her. Sue had said that people probably shouldn’t know about Kieren being back, which meant people shouldn’t know where Rick was either, so she tried to put on a brave face and act naturally.

“What have you got there?” the other woman asked, motioning to the bag. “Looks heavy.” she added when Janet hesitated with her answer.

“Oh, few of Rick’s old things that don’t fit him anymore, going off to see if any of the ladies with younger lads would have any use for them.” Janet lied.

“That what Bill was off to do too? Went by this way not too long ago, then came back. Must have just missed him, saw him turn down towards the Legion instead of going back to your place.” Shirley told her.

“Think he was doing something with the HVF.” Janet told her, unable to mask the fear in her eyes. “I... I best be off. Got to be home to make dinner.”

Shirley gave a sympathetic smile. “Take care then, Janet. Tell Rick I say hello.” she told her happily.

Janet carried on with shaky knees. The bag suddenly seemed much heavier than before as she carried on the last bit. It wasn’t far from the Wilson’s to the Walkers, but it felt like forever as she tried to go as fast as she could with legs that weren’t cooperating and an already racing heart.

When she got to the Walker house, everything seemed normal. The door was shut, and through the thin window covering she could make out three figures in the living room. Three could be anyone, she tried to remind herself. Not to say that Rick wouldn’t just be upstairs, or that Jem had stepped out for some air. She prayed that one of the three figures there was her son.

“Christ...” Kieren cried out in a soft whine from the couch when there was a knock on the door. He buried his face further into Rick’s shoulder, almost entirely curled up on him from the anxiety of hiding in the tight space from Bill.

“Won’t let anyone in, Kier, promise.” Jem told him, rubbing his back before sitting next to him on the couch. She leaned in a bit, resting against Kieren’s back in a gesture of solidarity. “‘Sides, me and Rick’ll protect you, yeah?” she offered.

Rick couldn’t respond. He was still breathing heavily too, a function of the stress the afternoon had brought. His eyes were staring straight ahead, somehow looking at Jem but past her at the same time with the way he had his chin hooked around Kieren’s shoulder. He hadn’t quite recovered from the cringe at the sound of the knock when it came again.

Steve shook his head to clear it, knowing that someone would have to answer the door. It didn’t sound angry enough to be Bill again, but it wasn’t a risk he wanted to take. He looked to where his wife had been standing moment ago, only to find her slowing cracking the door open.

“...Put my family in danger telling Bill like you did?” Steve heard as he walked closer to the door to investigate.

Janet burst into tears. “Please, please, I need to see my son. I need to see Rick!” she sobbed. “I had nothing to do with it, I swear I didn’t. Please!” she begged. “He was gone when I called you, I don’t know how he knew where he was!”

Sue’s face softened as she opened the door. “Come in, Janet.” she told her softly. “I’m sorry to yell at you.” Janet nodded nervously as Sue put an arm on her back, slowly rubbing it. “The boys are right through here, everything’s alright, promise.” she soothed.

Janet thought she would have been shocked, surprised a bit at least, the first time she saw her son holding another boy, but she wasn’t. The way they were clinging onto each other, comforting each other, actually comforted her. She knew her son was in good hands, hands that made him happier than she ever could considering she shared a roof with Bill.

“Mum?” Rick asked when he registered that she had entered the room. Janet felt like she was hearing her son ask for her after a nightmare as a young boy again. She couldn’t remember the last time his voice had sounded so vulnerable. “Mum, are you alright?” he asked, sitting up a bit.

Janet nodded, tears welling in her eyes. “I’m fine, love.” she replied, reaching out for a hug. Rick shifted Kieren over to his sister who resumed soothing him before standing to embrace his mother. “I didn’t know, Rick, I didn’t know any of it before it happened.” she promised into his shoulder.

“Janet, would you care for some tea?” Sue asked when mother and son let go of each other.

“Couldn’t, you’re already doing so much, letting Rick stay with you and all.” Janet told her.

“Nonsense.” Sue told her. “I’ll be back in a jif.” she promised, patting Janet’s shoulder as she passed, motioning her to a chair adjacent to the sofa the kids were all sharing.

She sat, not meaning to stare at her son, the way he had sat and instantly both he and Kieren moved together. Between their legs, they held hands. Janet could see Rick’s thumb moving as it traced shapes on Kieren’s. When the younger boy’s head fell onto Rick’s shoulder, if it hadn’t been obvious before, it would have then been. He placed the lightest of kisses on Kieren’s forehead before pulling him back towards his chest. Kieren had always needed a lot of care to calm down from anxiety, and neither feared who knew anymore. Their concern was that the other was ok.

They all sat in relative silence until Sue came back with tea for six, still unused to not serving Kieren. He still took the cup in his hands, wishing he could feel it warm him as the light steam floated around his face. He longed for the burn of taking a sip of the too hot liquid, but he only smelled it with a dulled sense of smell.

Sue moved a chair closer to where Janet sat to sit near her. Sue reached a gently hand out to her, resting it on Janet’s hand.

Janet’s mouth twitched into a soft smile, flipping her hand to give Sue’s a soft squeeze before withdrawing it. “What happened?” she asked in a shaky voice.

The others in the room exchanged looks, trying to figure out where to begin. It was Rick who first opened his mouth. “Got home yesterday and dad found something Ren had given me.” he began. When he paused to think, he saw Kieren’s eyes, brown and staring, looking right up at him as he spoke. He squeezed Kieren’s hand before continuing. “He thought it was something from Jem, and I told him it wasn’t... That it was from Ren. It it all just... I couldn’t stop once I started...” Rick finished, his shoulders slumping.

His mum was about to open her mouth to comfort him, but it was Kieren who beat her to it. “It’s not your fault.” Kieren told him softly, reaching up and cupping his hand around Rick’s cheek, rubbing his thumb lightly around the skin to calm him. When Rick closed his eyes, Kieren breathed, “You were so brave to tell him.”

When Rick’s eyes reopened, a sheepish smile was on Kieren’s face. He returned it meekly before turning back to his mother. “He told me to get out and not come back. Then he came today and... I don’t even know what happened exactly. Ren and I were upstairs when Jem came and told us to hide.”

“Jem had gotten the door, wouldn’t open it all the way and I couldn’t figure out why.” Sue continued for him. “When I got there, he demanded to be let in, for Rick to come down, for Kier to come down...” Sue shuddered, knowing full well Bill Macy was always packing, and his intentions may have very well been to kill her son. She tried to hide the emotions from Janet, worried about telling her too much at once. “We told him that they weren’t here, and eventually he let us be.”

“I’m sorry he came here, Sue.” Janet told her, visibly shaken. “I didn’t know he’d d something like that, ‘specially coming to your home...”

Steve shook his head. “”It’s not your fault, Janet.” he frowned.

“He’s right. It’s mine... I shouldn’t have come here, put your family in danger...” Rick said sadly. “I wouldn’t have come if I knew he would come.”

“Nonsense, you’re welcome here any time.” Sue told Rick. “I don’t care what Bill says or does, you’re my son as well, far as I’m concerned. You’ll always have a home here.”

Rick could have cried for the kindness Sue showed him. “Thank you, Sue. Steve.” he managed to say before running his hands through his hair. “I don’t have anything though... And no job to pay you back for everything.”

Janet looked at the bag sitting by her feet, suddenly remembering why she had came in the first place. “Brought some of your things. Not much, but there’s some notes in there to help pay whatever else you need. I’ll send more when I can.” she told her son, setting the bag on the floor.

Her son looked gratefully at her, though he was curious where she could have gotten money from. Bill was controlling, to say the least. He was the money maker, as he often reminded Janet whenever she wanted to buy something that he wasn’t interested in. She had always been a stay at home mum. Roarton wasn’t exactly a hub for work, and Bill always had made enough to get by, so it wasn’t that hard financially. Mentally, it took its toll. Janet almost had an allowance, just a bit here and there that Bill would give her to let her buy whatever she wanted, which she usually had used to treat Rick to something without Bill’s knowledge.

Now, Rick was looking at the bag to see what his mother had grabbed. He no sooner opened it than his jaw dropped. “Mum, can I talk to you alone?” he asked. She nodded, so Rick addressed the Walkers. “Alright if we just...?” his voice trailed off a bit.

“We’ll get out of your way, please, just stay in here.” Sue insisted, standing. “Kieren, Jem, Steve, come on then.” she insisted. Without much grumbling, Jem stood, following after her mother and father. Kieren only hesitated for a bit, looking at Rick curiously before giving his hand a quick squeeze and leaving his side.

Turning his head to see that the Walkers were out of earshot, Rick spoke quietly. “This is a lot of money, mum.” he told her, a concerned look on his face. “He’s going to notice, and I don’t want him to do any of that. Please, I can’t take this. Everything else, thank you for, but I can’t do that to you.” He offered her the money.

Janet refused to take it back though. “No, it’s all yours, Rick.” she insisted. “Your father... He’s not going to know it’s gone.”

“Mum, how did you get this?” he asked her calmly.

She cleared her throat. “When you were around fourteen, too old to want to go on dates with your mum to the city anymore because you’d rather be off with Kieren somewhere-yes, I knew you were with him-I started saving up the money I used to spend for ice cream and train tickets. It was for if we ever had to leave. There’s enough in there for train tickets, maybe a month or two of rent at the right place so you could get settled...” she trailed off.

“For me and you?” Rick questioned.

Janet’s head shook. “No, love. There wouldn’t be enough for three.” She told him.

Now it was Rick who shook his head. “Mum...” he began to protest.

“No, Rick. You two need to get out of Roarton. Not just because this place isn’t ready for you two, but for your safety. He knows you’re here, and he’ll be back when he thinks your guards are down.” she warned.

“But this is for you-”

“I saved this for both of us, Rick.” she interjected. “This is what I want to buy. My son and his mate tickets to somewhere they can be safe and themselves.” she told him, tears in her eyes.

Rick felt himself starting to tear up as he watched his mother succumb to silent tears. “We’re more than mates, mum. I... I love him.” he admitted to her.

“I know you do, love.” Janet whispered through her tears. She stood, again hugging her son. “I love you, Rick, I’m sorry for making you grow up like you did, I’m sorry I couldn’t get you away before...” she sobbed into her grown son’s chest.

Rick pulled her in tighter, kissing her temple. “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, mum. You’ve always loved me, that’s all I could’ve ever asked for.” he told her, crying a bit himself. “I’ll pay you back, every last bit one day, swear I will. Then you can come. I’ll find a job before Ren and I leave and make sure that I do soon, then you can come with us.”

Janet shook her head, drawing away from her son. “You should leave soon. He could come back... Tonight, if you could.”

He looked sadly at his mother before nodding in agreement. “I love you, mum.” he choked out.

“Stay safe, and write Sue. We’ll talk, she’ll keep me updated on you boys.” she smiled though tears were freely falling down her face. “I love you, my handsome man.”

\---

“Sure you’ve got everything you need?” Rick asked Kieren as they sat in the cold wind, waiting for their train. It didn’t bother Kieren, obviously, but Rick was nearly shivering. “Art supplies, clothes, your medicine...”

Kieren nodded. “Yeah, I’ve got everything. And my parents can send us stuff we might need if we get there and remember something.” he reminded him.

Kieren did a good job of hiding the twinge of guilt he felt mentioning his parents. After they had been nervous about him going to art school, he couldn’t bear to tell them face to face that he was leaving with Rick. He was terrified that they would wake up and think he left like he had last time. What if he hadn’t placed his note in the best spot? What if he worried them again?

The dark veil that hovered around them coupled with the deserted train platform left them all but fearless where they stood. The only thing keeping them grounded was the hand they held of the other. Fears and anxieties were coupled with the overwhelming euphoria they each felt about starting their lives anew-together.

“Must be ours.” Rick said as a train pulled into the station.

Kieren looked at him with a smile, standing quickly before grabbing both of Rick’s hands, pulling him up. He stood there for a moment, just looking into his eyes, both with smiles plastered on their faces. Kieren stood on his tip-toes, kissing Rick gently.

“Are you nervous at all?” Kieren asked after pulling away from the soft kiss.

Rick thought for a moment, then shook his head. “No. Not so long as I’m with you. After everything that we’ve gone through Ren... After all the shite my dad’s pulled... I know I can do anything with you.”

Not knowing how to respond, Kieren simply kissed him again before they stepped into the train. They sat close together, Kieren leaning against Rick’s arm as they both stared out the window, watching the scenery of Roarton slowly fade in the distance, knowing their new lives were just beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I needed to give Rick some love here, he is my baby and I just really love thinking about Janet Macy too. This really sparked from me wanting to explore Janet's character a bit. Inspiration for some of the stuff that happened to Janet (the whole Bill giving her an allowance basically) was from my mom's parents, who I never met, but were apparently very similar, and her mom would treat one of the kids to something instead of getting herself something, and I feel like Janet was very protective of her handsome man (also I lvoed when she called him that because like I picture him being so proud of being called that up to a certain age then it was "mom, you're embarrassing me!!!" until he was leaving to deploy and she hugged him and told him to "stay safe, my handsome man" and he honest to god almost cried right there and other than Kieren that's what he thought about most when he was in Afghanistan. I have so many feels for Janet and Rick I'm sorry).  
> Like I said in the beginning, thank you all for reading, I really love you and couldn't imagine ever writing like I do without your love and support. Thank you thank you thank you!  
> This will have one more installment, so I hope that you're all anticipating that! I have a few other things I want to write possibly before then (mostly just a few one shot type deals, so it shouldn't be terribly long) but I hope you'll all enjoy!


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